Fears and expectations

In a week I'll be flying out to Kansas City and jumping into a completely new schedule, environment and living situation. It seems bitter sweet that the program I'm attending only lasts 3 months because I know God can do so much in little time, but I feel unrest when I think about coming back to Durham. It's hard not knowing yet, because God hasn't spoken to me yet and shown me the next step after IHOP. I'm going there with so much assurance about this season, yet looking at a ? when it comes to knowing what I'll do next. I felt like even though I would dread coming back to work at the hospital that it would be wiser to take a leave rather than quit. My boss assured me the position would still be open for me if I return, and I was not expecting this. I said I'm just going to leave it in the Lord's hands and let him either keep the door open or close it, or lead me to close it when it's time, and I didn't feel led to do it yet. I've felt stuck for so long being in this job, wondering when God would move me on and when I'd be able to go on to pursue full-time ministry. Finally getting released feels so great, yet having to face the unknown and wait on the Lord's direction is also hard. In terms of my decision about IHOP, I'm amazed by how much peace I have felt. The other night I said, "Wow, if the Lord would always lead me the way he has with this decision, if I could always have this much peace and assurance about where I'm going, I think I'll be ok with him giving me one step at a time." But it's when we have to go through a waiting period for that direction to come that it is often very hard. I'm so looking forward to being at IHOP, it's where I've wanted to be since I was there in December. But at the same time I'm trying not to put certain expectations on God for my time there. I certainly want to believe him for specific things and have expectation for him to move powerfully, but I've found that often what I expect is not what happens or what God had in mind for me. My heart has been disappointed many times in the past when I didn't get what I was hoping for. God is still shifting and changing my perspectives about life and this relationship with him, and I want to be able to see him correctly to understand how to live the way he has purposed me to. As I have experienced God's love in new ways in my life these past months, the greatest desire in my heart lately has been just for his presence and for him to reveal to me himself, his nature, and his desires for me. I feel like I need to go so much deeper in this knowledge. I know IHOP is going to be amazing and such an awesome place for fulfilling more this desire, but it's very possible it's going to be hard too. I have fears about having to face more brokenness and sin in me when encountered with his holiness, and about the weakness of my flesh and inability to handle the intense schedule of the program. I'm saying, "Lord, if I'm going to be able to do this, I must have more of your Spirit, more of your strength, more grace. Because physically I know I cannot." I think I will be stretched and challenged in many ways, especially in trusting in and depending fully on the Lord. This past week there were 2 or 3 days where my heart despaired because I failed to see the Lord's faithfulness and provision. I felt discouraged, my spirit downcast, and full of worrisome and anxious thoughts that left me without peace and joy. When Betsy spoke to me and said she saw God's provision in my life and that I needed to give thanks, I realized that was the reason why I was doubting and felt disconnected from the Lord. I wasn't giving him thanks, instead I was holding pride in my heart, thinking I deserved more or to be given what I had asked for. And I wondered, why does your word say you give more than we ask or imagine, and you're not even giving what I have asked for? I had bitterness and pride in my heart because I didn't see the Lord's answers to my prayers and I was doubting that he is a good provider, thinking, well if I don't see him provide now, how can I know he will in the future? I realized I had to let these misunderstandings go and give thanks to God and choose to trust him. The next day I went to the beach by myself and began to open my heart to the Lord and worship him. I felt restored in many ways and the ocean was a powerful reminder of God's love and faithfulness. I was able to get lost in the waves and beauty all around and feel at peace. That night on my way back to Durham, I got a call from a brother in Christ, returning my previous call about IHOP. I was able to share my testimony of what God had been doing in my life and encourage him to believe God for more, and he also made a commitment to support me financially. What an answer to prayer! I was so encouraged and the Lord brought joy to my heart and showed his provision again. Not only that, but the next day I had an unexpected large donation from a sister in Christ, $300! I was shocked, I feel so unworthy. The Lord continues to show me He will provide, though I am continually tempted to doubt and worry and try to figure out a way on my own. Oh that we could trust him for the small things and the big things! That our fears would be cast out by His perfect love and our expectations only lie in His unchanging nature and faithfulness. We serve a covenant keeping God, who has shown his faithfulness from one generation to the next. He has proven his power and demonstrated his love and nature. May we be still and know that he is God, and our souls find rest in him alone.

Holding on to hope

I flew up to New Hampshire last week to spend a week with my Dad. I was happy to see him and spend time with him, but by the second day I felt such unrest in my soul I couldn't stand another moment with him without sharing the thoughts that were constantly running through my mind. I felt the need to pray for him constantly and the desire to share with him about God was weighing upon me more and more that by the third day I thought I wasn't going to be able to stand it anymore. I felt an anxious urgency to tell him that even made my stomach turn. I'd already tried talking to him last time I saw him, but didn't get very far because he was unwilling to even to admit the possibility of God's existence. My second day there my dad left in the afternoon to play golf and so I spent the time alone out on the pond where he lives, praying, singing, and reading the word aloud. I was filled with the joy of the Lord and the awe of his beauty and love. It was such a beautiful site and such a sweet time with the Lord. The next day, I got up feeling tired and not in good spirits and went out to pray on the dock as I did each morning while I was there. I didn't feel the strength and joy I had the day before and I felt the struggle with the weakness of my flesh. I felt nauseous most of the ride in the car on the way to the mountain we hiked, and finally later on in the afternoon back at the house I felt a little better. We went on a bike ride on a short paved trail and it felt like just what I needed. I went back down the trail alone for a second time as my dad waited for me at the car. I felt such relief on the bike, like I was able to release a lot of what I was feeling inside that was bothering me. I felt broken again as I cried out to the Lord in prayer with tears for my father's soul. I felt so desperate, I was panting and could hardly breathe as I sped up and down the hills on the bike praying a loud. I didn't want my dad to worry so I came back quickly wishing I could keep riding and praying more. I felt so much better afterwards. That night we went out on the pond in his motorboat and I just stared at a sky full of stars while he fished. For so long I had been wanting to lay under the night sky, it was such a sweet blessing. Anyways, so the next morning we left for the beach in Maine. In the car I was reading scriptures from my Promesas de Jesus book for encouragement, and I just couldn't remain quiet anymore. This verse I had read the day I was out on the pond was driving me crazy: "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." I felt an intense responsibility to deliver this message to my dad, and if I didn't at least try, I wondered what if he didn't hear it from someone else? So I tried to bring up the conversation about God by asking a question about what he thought could be an explanation for miracles like healings and situations that seem to have no logical explanation. This really upset him, he flared up in anger and all the truth about what he thought came out. He said he hadn't felt that angry in 6 months. This time he was not willing to talk about God. He said he had been patient with me before, listening and answering my questions and reading some of the book I wanted him to about the evidence and arguments there are to prove God's existence ("Who Made God?"), and said that he had let me do that because he thought it was the only way to keeping the relationship with me, but that he was not going to talk anymore about the topic of religion or God. He said he'd lived his whole life without God and will live the rest of it without him, that he's strong, doesn't need God, and certainly doesn't need someone he doesn't even think exists. He said he thinks I'm getting to the point of being brainwashed into all this religion/God stuff and I'm becoming too narrowed. That's it all I want to talk about, that I don't care to talk about the things that interests him and that he likes. He said the reason why my brother and his wife don't talk to me and have never invited me over to their house is because they feel the same way, that I try to impose my beliefs upon people and they don't want anything to do with it. He said most people feel the same way, that they don't want you knocking on their door and invading them with your beliefs, that you're lucky if they don't curse at you or shoot you, and that many people live without God, and they're just fine and don't want to be bothered. He said he looked at the website about IHOP and that honestly he thinks it looks like bs just like everything else. He said that if the reason why I came up to see him again is because I'm trying to convert him and worried that he's going to hell, that I was wrong in coming. These words are in stark contrast to the encouraging words I heard from my father awhile back. Before he seemed to believe in me and feel proud of me, like when he mentioned how he'd tell people at his work how his daughter goes on missions and helps people and how she's going to change the world. He told me to follow my heart and never let anyone stop me from accomplishing these desires. That he wanted to read about me in a book one day. That if my faith is what strengthens me to make a difference in this world, then that's great that I've found it and he's happy for me. But when it comes to preaching the gospel and delivering the message of truth, this is very offensive to him. The truth that god exists offends his pride because it takes him out of his position as god, as the center of the universe. Because if we do not worship God, we consequently will worship self. We'll live to gratify the desires of our flesh. His angry words were hurtful and offensive to me because they denied, dishonored and cursed God, whom I love. However, somehow I feel like I was able to not take it too personally. Many people will reject the gospel, yet I cannot become offended and hurt because they are not rejecting me, but they are rejecting Jesus, who loves them and died for them. God gave me much grace and peace and self control in this situation and I did not react with anger, but with gentleness. I reminded myself that God still loves him despite his prideful declarations and sin, and that I have no right to judge him. Yet I also struggled not to feel bitter about his unrepentful heart and arrogance and to still love him with unconditional love despite these harsh statements. I still believe God can change his heart, and I won't stop praying for God's mercy. I was reading in Romans and this verse grabbed hold of me: "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy...Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and hardens whom he wants to harden"(Rom 9:16-18). This is a humbling verse and comforting because it reminds me that its not up to us, it doesn't depend on us. That God is sovereign, and more than able to cause hearts to turn to him without our human efforts. But is this verse referring to salvation? I'm still trying to understand how this partnership works, my responsibility as his ambassador to deliver the message, while still trusting fully that whether I do a good job or seemingly mess things up by my own sin or mistakes, that it doesn't depend on my effort or desire. I've wanted to think, if I don't keep on praying for my family, maybe they won't repent and turn to God, and be saved. I've wanted to think that if I don't desire their salvation enough and pray more, especially heartfelt, strongly desired prayers, that maybe God won't move in their lives. And that if I don't preach to them, surely they won't change because no one else is pushing them in that direction. But this can't be right because if it was, that would mean that it depends on my desire or effort. It is hard completely giving up control, part of me always wants to think that it also depends on me. So does it, or does it not? What about all the people in the bible who prayed on behalf of wayward people in rebellion who God was going to punish or destroy because of their wickedness, and afterwards God relented and had mercy on them and gave them another chance? So did these men change God's mind, or did they just enter into and plead for what God was already going to do? I think it's the latter. Because in Numbers 23:19 it says: "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"
Well, for as long as I can despite what I don't understand, I'll keep trying to grab on to hope. But I need true hope, not an uncertain hope that things might turn out well. But a hope that does not disappoint. Hope that is, as my brother in Christ Brian O described: anticipation with pleasure, confidence; joyful expectation of good; trusting endurance. Lord, please sustain our hearts with faith and hope to never stop trusting in you to do the impossible. You will answer, may we not give up in waiting.