Pride, learning to love, & unrelenting prayer b/c His love will win

So today is a fast day, and on most fast days I’m more aware of my sin, my weakness, the depravity of my heart. Sometimes it’s mostly a sweet time with the Lord as I lean into Him and depend on Him to sustain me, to meet with me, to speak to me. But usually there’s moments where the flesh rises up to distract me and lure me to thoughts of food and other things. So my fast day was the same day as the training for a job I just got with this company called Vector that sells Cutco products (kitchen cutlery), and during it I was having so many condescending, arrogant thoughts about the other people in the group because I could read so much better than them, because I’m older and have more experience, etc. I was shocked thinking to myself, “how can you experience the Lord so deeply and be seeking the Lord so many hours of the day, etc. and still have such evil thoughts? And you thought you were good?” “This must be so disgusting to the Lord” I thought, “when he sees me exalting myself above the ones He so cherishes and loves and values and believes in.” It’s often been the same way with my family. I can even have all these good thoughts about them, for instance today I thought of all these good things I wanted to say to my mom to encourage her and direct her toward faith in God (I felt bad b/c I hadn’t really responded to the bad news that her fiance Steven has cancer), but when I called her I wasn’t able to speak the good words to her. I’m hardly ever able to speak them. Instead, I usually get easily frustrated and angry inside and speak rudely to her. Why? I don’t understand why I can’t love her. Why I can’t see my family the way God does, why my heart is so void of His compassion and affections for them. I must be so puffed up with knowledge that in my pride I’m trying to convince them that they should love Him and live for Him. But most of the time it’s when I’m defending myself from their accusations, criticism, and skepticism. I’ve been offended because they say and think that they love God, yet live contrary to His word and cling to their own conceived ideas about Him. I think this is what keeps me from showing them love because everything having to do with my life in God and how I live out my faith always seems to be opposed with theirs and I don’t know how to respond rightly. I think that some of the unexpressed anger I feel against the obvious sin in their lives may be righteous, but I think what I need is to mature in spiritual warfare and in understanding that my fight is not against them, it’s not against flesh and blood, but it’s against the demons of darkness I should be burning with anger towards and tearing down with my words, not my family. And at the same time, as I continue to be faithful in prayer for them and contending for the release of God’s love and revelation to them, He is also growing me in love for them. And He has given me dreams to show me that I really do love them and that He sees my love for them, even though I’ve often failed at walking it out and getting victory over my flesh. What I don’t realize is that pride in me says that I love God and they don’t, that I’m doing it the right way and they aren’t. But the truth is my mom and sister believe they do love God, and therefore must be trying to love God the only way they know how, and although it’s not the way that God has chosen for them in His Son and what He desires for them, who am I to say that God is angry with them? After all, isn’t He slow to anger, and jealous for them in love? He greatly desires them and when I come into that revelation, then I find compassion for them. Pride is the root of many evils. I had no idea it is the cause of many of my issues, my frustration and anger, impatience, my accusations against God in not understanding who He is and His ways, and I’m sure many more that I’m not currently aware of. God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Blessed are the meek in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Pride doesn’t let you die to yourself, and until I let me die, it’s really difficult to love well. But as often as I’ve come to the Lord with a broken and contrite heart over my failures in loving my family, He is faithful to breathe hope into my heart when I want to give up, and to remind me to put my faith in His love, and His ability to reach them despite my weaknesses, despite the way I think I’ve messed things up over and over again and pushed them away rather than nearer to Him, despite being perceived as a hypocrite, condescending Pharisee, as selfish or too "extreme", despite the unperceived change, despite it all. My effort to love may fail, but His love will never fail!