Fears and expectations

In a week I'll be flying out to Kansas City and jumping into a completely new schedule, environment and living situation. It seems bitter sweet that the program I'm attending only lasts 3 months because I know God can do so much in little time, but I feel unrest when I think about coming back to Durham. It's hard not knowing yet, because God hasn't spoken to me yet and shown me the next step after IHOP. I'm going there with so much assurance about this season, yet looking at a ? when it comes to knowing what I'll do next. I felt like even though I would dread coming back to work at the hospital that it would be wiser to take a leave rather than quit. My boss assured me the position would still be open for me if I return, and I was not expecting this. I said I'm just going to leave it in the Lord's hands and let him either keep the door open or close it, or lead me to close it when it's time, and I didn't feel led to do it yet. I've felt stuck for so long being in this job, wondering when God would move me on and when I'd be able to go on to pursue full-time ministry. Finally getting released feels so great, yet having to face the unknown and wait on the Lord's direction is also hard. In terms of my decision about IHOP, I'm amazed by how much peace I have felt. The other night I said, "Wow, if the Lord would always lead me the way he has with this decision, if I could always have this much peace and assurance about where I'm going, I think I'll be ok with him giving me one step at a time." But it's when we have to go through a waiting period for that direction to come that it is often very hard. I'm so looking forward to being at IHOP, it's where I've wanted to be since I was there in December. But at the same time I'm trying not to put certain expectations on God for my time there. I certainly want to believe him for specific things and have expectation for him to move powerfully, but I've found that often what I expect is not what happens or what God had in mind for me. My heart has been disappointed many times in the past when I didn't get what I was hoping for. God is still shifting and changing my perspectives about life and this relationship with him, and I want to be able to see him correctly to understand how to live the way he has purposed me to. As I have experienced God's love in new ways in my life these past months, the greatest desire in my heart lately has been just for his presence and for him to reveal to me himself, his nature, and his desires for me. I feel like I need to go so much deeper in this knowledge. I know IHOP is going to be amazing and such an awesome place for fulfilling more this desire, but it's very possible it's going to be hard too. I have fears about having to face more brokenness and sin in me when encountered with his holiness, and about the weakness of my flesh and inability to handle the intense schedule of the program. I'm saying, "Lord, if I'm going to be able to do this, I must have more of your Spirit, more of your strength, more grace. Because physically I know I cannot." I think I will be stretched and challenged in many ways, especially in trusting in and depending fully on the Lord. This past week there were 2 or 3 days where my heart despaired because I failed to see the Lord's faithfulness and provision. I felt discouraged, my spirit downcast, and full of worrisome and anxious thoughts that left me without peace and joy. When Betsy spoke to me and said she saw God's provision in my life and that I needed to give thanks, I realized that was the reason why I was doubting and felt disconnected from the Lord. I wasn't giving him thanks, instead I was holding pride in my heart, thinking I deserved more or to be given what I had asked for. And I wondered, why does your word say you give more than we ask or imagine, and you're not even giving what I have asked for? I had bitterness and pride in my heart because I didn't see the Lord's answers to my prayers and I was doubting that he is a good provider, thinking, well if I don't see him provide now, how can I know he will in the future? I realized I had to let these misunderstandings go and give thanks to God and choose to trust him. The next day I went to the beach by myself and began to open my heart to the Lord and worship him. I felt restored in many ways and the ocean was a powerful reminder of God's love and faithfulness. I was able to get lost in the waves and beauty all around and feel at peace. That night on my way back to Durham, I got a call from a brother in Christ, returning my previous call about IHOP. I was able to share my testimony of what God had been doing in my life and encourage him to believe God for more, and he also made a commitment to support me financially. What an answer to prayer! I was so encouraged and the Lord brought joy to my heart and showed his provision again. Not only that, but the next day I had an unexpected large donation from a sister in Christ, $300! I was shocked, I feel so unworthy. The Lord continues to show me He will provide, though I am continually tempted to doubt and worry and try to figure out a way on my own. Oh that we could trust him for the small things and the big things! That our fears would be cast out by His perfect love and our expectations only lie in His unchanging nature and faithfulness. We serve a covenant keeping God, who has shown his faithfulness from one generation to the next. He has proven his power and demonstrated his love and nature. May we be still and know that he is God, and our souls find rest in him alone.