Sunday, August 15, 2010
Fears and expectations
In a week I'll be flying out to Kansas City and jumping into a completely new schedule, environment and living situation. It seems bitter sweet that the program I'm attending only lasts 3 months because I know God can do so much in little time, but I feel unrest when I think about coming back to Durham. It's hard not knowing yet, because God hasn't spoken to me yet and shown me the next step after IHOP. I'm going there with so much assurance about this season, yet looking at a ? when it comes to knowing what I'll do next. I felt like even though I would dread coming back to work at the hospital that it would be wiser to take a leave rather than quit. My boss assured me the position would still be open for me if I return, and I was not expecting this. I said I'm just going to leave it in the Lord's hands and let him either keep the door open or close it, or lead me to close it when it's time, and I didn't feel led to do it yet. I've felt stuck for so long being in this job, wondering when God would move me on and when I'd be able to go on to pursue full-time ministry. Finally getting released feels so great, yet having to face the unknown and wait on the Lord's direction is also hard. In terms of my decision about IHOP, I'm amazed by how much peace I have felt. The other night I said, "Wow, if the Lord would always lead me the way he has with this decision, if I could always have this much peace and assurance about where I'm going, I think I'll be ok with him giving me one step at a time." But it's when we have to go through a waiting period for that direction to come that it is often very hard. I'm so looking forward to being at IHOP, it's where I've wanted to be since I was there in December. But at the same time I'm trying not to put certain expectations on God for my time there. I certainly want to believe him for specific things and have expectation for him to move powerfully, but I've found that often what I expect is not what happens or what God had in mind for me. My heart has been disappointed many times in the past when I didn't get what I was hoping for. God is still shifting and changing my perspectives about life and this relationship with him, and I want to be able to see him correctly to understand how to live the way he has purposed me to. As I have experienced God's love in new ways in my life these past months, the greatest desire in my heart lately has been just for his presence and for him to reveal to me himself, his nature, and his desires for me. I feel like I need to go so much deeper in this knowledge. I know IHOP is going to be amazing and such an awesome place for fulfilling more this desire, but it's very possible it's going to be hard too. I have fears about having to face more brokenness and sin in me when encountered with his holiness, and about the weakness of my flesh and inability to handle the intense schedule of the program. I'm saying, "Lord, if I'm going to be able to do this, I must have more of your Spirit, more of your strength, more grace. Because physically I know I cannot." I think I will be stretched and challenged in many ways, especially in trusting in and depending fully on the Lord. This past week there were 2 or 3 days where my heart despaired because I failed to see the Lord's faithfulness and provision. I felt discouraged, my spirit downcast, and full of worrisome and anxious thoughts that left me without peace and joy. When Betsy spoke to me and said she saw God's provision in my life and that I needed to give thanks, I realized that was the reason why I was doubting and felt disconnected from the Lord. I wasn't giving him thanks, instead I was holding pride in my heart, thinking I deserved more or to be given what I had asked for. And I wondered, why does your word say you give more than we ask or imagine, and you're not even giving what I have asked for? I had bitterness and pride in my heart because I didn't see the Lord's answers to my prayers and I was doubting that he is a good provider, thinking, well if I don't see him provide now, how can I know he will in the future? I realized I had to let these misunderstandings go and give thanks to God and choose to trust him. The next day I went to the beach by myself and began to open my heart to the Lord and worship him. I felt restored in many ways and the ocean was a powerful reminder of God's love and faithfulness. I was able to get lost in the waves and beauty all around and feel at peace. That night on my way back to Durham, I got a call from a brother in Christ, returning my previous call about IHOP. I was able to share my testimony of what God had been doing in my life and encourage him to believe God for more, and he also made a commitment to support me financially. What an answer to prayer! I was so encouraged and the Lord brought joy to my heart and showed his provision again. Not only that, but the next day I had an unexpected large donation from a sister in Christ, $300! I was shocked, I feel so unworthy. The Lord continues to show me He will provide, though I am continually tempted to doubt and worry and try to figure out a way on my own. Oh that we could trust him for the small things and the big things! That our fears would be cast out by His perfect love and our expectations only lie in His unchanging nature and faithfulness. We serve a covenant keeping God, who has shown his faithfulness from one generation to the next. He has proven his power and demonstrated his love and nature. May we be still and know that he is God, and our souls find rest in him alone.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Holding on to hope
I flew up to New Hampshire last week to spend a week with my Dad. I was happy to see him and spend time with him, but by the second day I felt such unrest in my soul I couldn't stand another moment with him without sharing the thoughts that were constantly running through my mind. I felt the need to pray for him constantly and the desire to share with him about God was weighing upon me more and more that by the third day I thought I wasn't going to be able to stand it anymore. I felt an anxious urgency to tell him that even made my stomach turn. I'd already tried talking to him last time I saw him, but didn't get very far because he was unwilling to even to admit the possibility of God's existence. My second day there my dad left in the afternoon to play golf and so I spent the time alone out on the pond where he lives, praying, singing, and reading the word aloud. I was filled with the joy of the Lord and the awe of his beauty and love. It was such a beautiful site and such a sweet time with the Lord. The next day, I got up feeling tired and not in good spirits and went out to pray on the dock as I did each morning while I was there. I didn't feel the strength and joy I had the day before and I felt the struggle with the weakness of my flesh. I felt nauseous most of the ride in the car on the way to the mountain we hiked, and finally later on in the afternoon back at the house I felt a little better. We went on a bike ride on a short paved trail and it felt like just what I needed. I went back down the trail alone for a second time as my dad waited for me at the car. I felt such relief on the bike, like I was able to release a lot of what I was feeling inside that was bothering me. I felt broken again as I cried out to the Lord in prayer with tears for my father's soul. I felt so desperate, I was panting and could hardly breathe as I sped up and down the hills on the bike praying a loud. I didn't want my dad to worry so I came back quickly wishing I could keep riding and praying more. I felt so much better afterwards. That night we went out on the pond in his motorboat and I just stared at a sky full of stars while he fished. For so long I had been wanting to lay under the night sky, it was such a sweet blessing. Anyways, so the next morning we left for the beach in Maine. In the car I was reading scriptures from my Promesas de Jesus book for encouragement, and I just couldn't remain quiet anymore. This verse I had read the day I was out on the pond was driving me crazy: "Consequently, faith comes from hearing the message, and the message is heard through the word of Christ." I felt an intense responsibility to deliver this message to my dad, and if I didn't at least try, I wondered what if he didn't hear it from someone else? So I tried to bring up the conversation about God by asking a question about what he thought could be an explanation for miracles like healings and situations that seem to have no logical explanation. This really upset him, he flared up in anger and all the truth about what he thought came out. He said he hadn't felt that angry in 6 months. This time he was not willing to talk about God. He said he had been patient with me before, listening and answering my questions and reading some of the book I wanted him to about the evidence and arguments there are to prove God's existence ("Who Made God?"), and said that he had let me do that because he thought it was the only way to keeping the relationship with me, but that he was not going to talk anymore about the topic of religion or God. He said he'd lived his whole life without God and will live the rest of it without him, that he's strong, doesn't need God, and certainly doesn't need someone he doesn't even think exists. He said he thinks I'm getting to the point of being brainwashed into all this religion/God stuff and I'm becoming too narrowed. That's it all I want to talk about, that I don't care to talk about the things that interests him and that he likes. He said the reason why my brother and his wife don't talk to me and have never invited me over to their house is because they feel the same way, that I try to impose my beliefs upon people and they don't want anything to do with it. He said most people feel the same way, that they don't want you knocking on their door and invading them with your beliefs, that you're lucky if they don't curse at you or shoot you, and that many people live without God, and they're just fine and don't want to be bothered. He said he looked at the website about IHOP and that honestly he thinks it looks like bs just like everything else. He said that if the reason why I came up to see him again is because I'm trying to convert him and worried that he's going to hell, that I was wrong in coming. These words are in stark contrast to the encouraging words I heard from my father awhile back. Before he seemed to believe in me and feel proud of me, like when he mentioned how he'd tell people at his work how his daughter goes on missions and helps people and how she's going to change the world. He told me to follow my heart and never let anyone stop me from accomplishing these desires. That he wanted to read about me in a book one day. That if my faith is what strengthens me to make a difference in this world, then that's great that I've found it and he's happy for me. But when it comes to preaching the gospel and delivering the message of truth, this is very offensive to him. The truth that god exists offends his pride because it takes him out of his position as god, as the center of the universe. Because if we do not worship God, we consequently will worship self. We'll live to gratify the desires of our flesh. His angry words were hurtful and offensive to me because they denied, dishonored and cursed God, whom I love. However, somehow I feel like I was able to not take it too personally. Many people will reject the gospel, yet I cannot become offended and hurt because they are not rejecting me, but they are rejecting Jesus, who loves them and died for them. God gave me much grace and peace and self control in this situation and I did not react with anger, but with gentleness. I reminded myself that God still loves him despite his prideful declarations and sin, and that I have no right to judge him. Yet I also struggled not to feel bitter about his unrepentful heart and arrogance and to still love him with unconditional love despite these harsh statements. I still believe God can change his heart, and I won't stop praying for God's mercy. I was reading in Romans and this verse grabbed hold of me: "It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy...Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and hardens whom he wants to harden"(Rom 9:16-18). This is a humbling verse and comforting because it reminds me that its not up to us, it doesn't depend on us. That God is sovereign, and more than able to cause hearts to turn to him without our human efforts. But is this verse referring to salvation? I'm still trying to understand how this partnership works, my responsibility as his ambassador to deliver the message, while still trusting fully that whether I do a good job or seemingly mess things up by my own sin or mistakes, that it doesn't depend on my effort or desire. I've wanted to think, if I don't keep on praying for my family, maybe they won't repent and turn to God, and be saved. I've wanted to think that if I don't desire their salvation enough and pray more, especially heartfelt, strongly desired prayers, that maybe God won't move in their lives. And that if I don't preach to them, surely they won't change because no one else is pushing them in that direction. But this can't be right because if it was, that would mean that it depends on my desire or effort. It is hard completely giving up control, part of me always wants to think that it also depends on me. So does it, or does it not? What about all the people in the bible who prayed on behalf of wayward people in rebellion who God was going to punish or destroy because of their wickedness, and afterwards God relented and had mercy on them and gave them another chance? So did these men change God's mind, or did they just enter into and plead for what God was already going to do? I think it's the latter. Because in Numbers 23:19 it says: "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"
Well, for as long as I can despite what I don't understand, I'll keep trying to grab on to hope. But I need true hope, not an uncertain hope that things might turn out well. But a hope that does not disappoint. Hope that is, as my brother in Christ Brian O described: anticipation with pleasure, confidence; joyful expectation of good; trusting endurance. Lord, please sustain our hearts with faith and hope to never stop trusting in you to do the impossible. You will answer, may we not give up in waiting.
Well, for as long as I can despite what I don't understand, I'll keep trying to grab on to hope. But I need true hope, not an uncertain hope that things might turn out well. But a hope that does not disappoint. Hope that is, as my brother in Christ Brian O described: anticipation with pleasure, confidence; joyful expectation of good; trusting endurance. Lord, please sustain our hearts with faith and hope to never stop trusting in you to do the impossible. You will answer, may we not give up in waiting.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
He gives peace
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
IHOP Prayer Room Song:
“I’ll be anxious about nothing,
In all things I’ll give you praise,
I’ll be anxious about nothing,
In all things I’ll give you thanks
There’s no common sense in faith
There’s no common sense in faith
Peter, come to me, out of the boat
Give me a heart of faith
Asking me to go, asking me to do,
Doesn’t make sense to my natural self,
How will you do that Lord?”
Not by might, not by strength, but my Spirit says the Lord of hosts.
“Asking me to go, asking me to do,
I say “Yes” to you
Sometimes I’m looking so much for the opinion of man
Afterwards I’m filled with even more anxiety
Sometimes I’m looking for the answer in a man
By the time I’m done I’m confused
Sometimes I have too much common sense for my own good
There’s no common sense in faith
Did Moses feel qualified, when you told him to go to Egypt
Joseph, did he feel qualified, was he filled with faith
Was there a struggle in Abraham, to give his only son?
Strengthen my heart, Lord"
IHOP Prayer Room Song:
“I’ll be anxious about nothing,
In all things I’ll give you praise,
I’ll be anxious about nothing,
In all things I’ll give you thanks
There’s no common sense in faith
There’s no common sense in faith
Peter, come to me, out of the boat
Give me a heart of faith
Asking me to go, asking me to do,
Doesn’t make sense to my natural self,
How will you do that Lord?”
Not by might, not by strength, but my Spirit says the Lord of hosts.
“Asking me to go, asking me to do,
I say “Yes” to you
Sometimes I’m looking so much for the opinion of man
Afterwards I’m filled with even more anxiety
Sometimes I’m looking for the answer in a man
By the time I’m done I’m confused
Sometimes I have too much common sense for my own good
There’s no common sense in faith
Did Moses feel qualified, when you told him to go to Egypt
Joseph, did he feel qualified, was he filled with faith
Was there a struggle in Abraham, to give his only son?
Strengthen my heart, Lord"
Friday, July 23, 2010
This is what I want
The way I choose to live my life is by faith and I know that God will continue to prove himself faithful and able to provide when I am being obedient to what He has called me to, not man. I know that my Father in heaven knows what is best for me and that I could not be in better hands or care. He knows me fully, every desire, every thought, the deepest parts that I don't even know and no one else could ever know. If I was still living to please man and my flesh, I would not be a servant of God. My faith is not something in my head, it's not worldly wisdom or head knowledge. God is real, He's powerful, He's everything amazing I could ever know and want, and I've given my life to Him, I give Him everything. The only purpose to this life on earth is to begin to know what we were made for, to begin relationship with our Creator, and through that relationship to have relationship with each other. Jesus deserves all honor, glory and praise, and this is my only goal and desire by which I want every other to be dictated in my life: to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength. I love only because He loved me first and revealed His love for me in such a powerful way.
I have many flaws and weaknesses. Struggles and problems I've been and continue working through. But I believe and know that the one I have put my faith in is working in me and able to do the impossible. He has changed me and is changing me, sometimes quickly, but more often slowly but surely. Surrendering more and more to Him, I'm learning to trust Him and depend on Him fully, little by little.
In many ways the past 2 years have been very hard, but I have experienced the Lord with me the whole way through it. He's been working in my life, teaching me, and growing me in many ways. Many times when I seem unhappy it's because I'm struggling with going through the hard season b/c I don't see purpose in it. But most of the time I can look back later on down the road and see a lot of the purpose in it. But without the moments and days of immense blessing from God that gives me the strength to persevere and the joy of His presence, I wouldn't be able to stand to live on this earth. I don't know how I survived the first part of my life without this relationship with God, but somehow the other things temporarily filled me enough to keep me going, though the whole time I was longing and so desperate to find something more. I've found it, and its the greatest treasure to ever be found. The secrets of heaven have been revealed to man, the mysteries of God. He made himself known to fallen and lost man who had broken relationship with Him because of their sin. He came in the very form of man, in our likeness, taking our punishment upon himself, reconciling us to God and bringing us back into relationship with Him forever. But Jesus is much more to me than a baby in a manger or a great prophet or example to follow, or a miracle worker or a man hanging on a tree. Surely He is my great Savior, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. But He is also LORD, and one day every knee will bow to Him and every tongue confess that He is Lord. He is my coming King, the one I eagerly wait for to come back and take me home.
The Bible is not a storybook to me. Though it tells great stories of the history of God's greatness, faithfulness and goodness, I believe it is the inspired Word of God, and therefore to be handled and respected with honor. It speaks to me, deeply, convicts me of sin and inspires me towards good. God has always encouraged me and taught me, and spoken to me specifically at many times through His Word, and just b/c I haven't read all of it and will probably never fully understand all of it, that does not diminishes its value or its claims.
This is all I want in life, to know God. To grow in my knowledge of Him, and in love for His beloved creation (people). This is all I bank my life on, and I know it resolves to be nothing the moment it is void of Him and my desire to be with Him. With this great desire God has put in me and having experienced so little, yet what seems like so much, I know I can never be fulfilled doing anything else. The little I've tasted and I've seen is enough to show me that nothing in this world compares with this love or can satisfy. Mortal life in the flesh is short, a big part of mine has already passed by. And what lies ahead I want to devote to nothing else but doing everything I can to bringing this love to others. I don't want to settle for anything less than the impact that God has in mind for using me as His little instrument for His great glory and bringing as many as possible into His kingdom. This is a calling to a life of sacrifice, yet along with it shall come provision. God has proven this already in hundreds of people that have devoted their lives to this calling. It won't be easy and I'm sure to fail at many things at many times, but I am never a failure. Though I won't do the job perfectly, I am honored to have the privilege to do it at all. This is the job I want, and it certainly won't be the easiest or most comfortable, and the best reward may not come until the next life, but all I hope more than anything is that I won't give up, that I'll press on until the end and be able to hear the words of Him on that day, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
I have many flaws and weaknesses. Struggles and problems I've been and continue working through. But I believe and know that the one I have put my faith in is working in me and able to do the impossible. He has changed me and is changing me, sometimes quickly, but more often slowly but surely. Surrendering more and more to Him, I'm learning to trust Him and depend on Him fully, little by little.
In many ways the past 2 years have been very hard, but I have experienced the Lord with me the whole way through it. He's been working in my life, teaching me, and growing me in many ways. Many times when I seem unhappy it's because I'm struggling with going through the hard season b/c I don't see purpose in it. But most of the time I can look back later on down the road and see a lot of the purpose in it. But without the moments and days of immense blessing from God that gives me the strength to persevere and the joy of His presence, I wouldn't be able to stand to live on this earth. I don't know how I survived the first part of my life without this relationship with God, but somehow the other things temporarily filled me enough to keep me going, though the whole time I was longing and so desperate to find something more. I've found it, and its the greatest treasure to ever be found. The secrets of heaven have been revealed to man, the mysteries of God. He made himself known to fallen and lost man who had broken relationship with Him because of their sin. He came in the very form of man, in our likeness, taking our punishment upon himself, reconciling us to God and bringing us back into relationship with Him forever. But Jesus is much more to me than a baby in a manger or a great prophet or example to follow, or a miracle worker or a man hanging on a tree. Surely He is my great Savior, the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world. But He is also LORD, and one day every knee will bow to Him and every tongue confess that He is Lord. He is my coming King, the one I eagerly wait for to come back and take me home.
The Bible is not a storybook to me. Though it tells great stories of the history of God's greatness, faithfulness and goodness, I believe it is the inspired Word of God, and therefore to be handled and respected with honor. It speaks to me, deeply, convicts me of sin and inspires me towards good. God has always encouraged me and taught me, and spoken to me specifically at many times through His Word, and just b/c I haven't read all of it and will probably never fully understand all of it, that does not diminishes its value or its claims.
This is all I want in life, to know God. To grow in my knowledge of Him, and in love for His beloved creation (people). This is all I bank my life on, and I know it resolves to be nothing the moment it is void of Him and my desire to be with Him. With this great desire God has put in me and having experienced so little, yet what seems like so much, I know I can never be fulfilled doing anything else. The little I've tasted and I've seen is enough to show me that nothing in this world compares with this love or can satisfy. Mortal life in the flesh is short, a big part of mine has already passed by. And what lies ahead I want to devote to nothing else but doing everything I can to bringing this love to others. I don't want to settle for anything less than the impact that God has in mind for using me as His little instrument for His great glory and bringing as many as possible into His kingdom. This is a calling to a life of sacrifice, yet along with it shall come provision. God has proven this already in hundreds of people that have devoted their lives to this calling. It won't be easy and I'm sure to fail at many things at many times, but I am never a failure. Though I won't do the job perfectly, I am honored to have the privilege to do it at all. This is the job I want, and it certainly won't be the easiest or most comfortable, and the best reward may not come until the next life, but all I hope more than anything is that I won't give up, that I'll press on until the end and be able to hear the words of Him on that day, "Well done, good and faithful servant."
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Awakened inside by beauty
May 22, 2010
His beautiful creation screams LOVE!! The depth, the height, the width, the length of His love!!
This Thursday I went to Wrightsville Beach for the day with Veronica and her mom Marina, and I felt SO alive for the first time in so long. The whole time there I couldn’t stop singing, dancing and praising God running back and forth along the water so amazed by the beauty of God’s creation! B/c it has been so uncommon to be in the midst of such beauty, my soul felt awakened and stirred in a powerful way. The next day having to come into work at the hospital I felt tired from lacking sleep, but even more my soul felt so depressed and downcast at seeing the same old whitewashed walls and confined office space in comparison to the striking beauty of the endless ocean waters and sky with the never-ending crashing waves that seem to give praise continuously to the Lord every time they wash over the sand! The light of the sun reflecting off the water radiating such glory, the feeling of the soft ground under my feet and the tender sand between my fingers when the waves wash over it, the feeling of the ocean on my skin like healing waters, every time a wave washes over me its like the love of the Lord being lavished upon me, it makes me giggle with joy, the wide open spaces that make you spread your arms wide and feel so FREE, an unfading beautiful glory that makes me long for heaven, it constantly ministers to my soul, my voice is lost in the waves as songs flow from my heart in worship to my Creator God, to my wonderful Savior who gave it all for me, I feel so FULL of joy and peace, I wish I could be lost in this world forever, never leave it…it’s what I was made for. It’s the presence of God, all around, He’s captivating. There’s so much more depth in me than I realize until it is awakened and comes alive again. I’m so used to just feeling the surface and being deadened by apathy, tiredness and discouragement, I forget what its like to feel fully alive. It’s painful to realize what we’re missing out on when we finally experience it again. Yesterday I faced that, and it brought me to tears. I want to be alive in this way and experience God and walk with Him daily, yet why is so hard sometimes when I'm in places I don't want to be? Being in prison or facing persecution didn't stop the supernatural flow in Paul's life or his worship to the Lord. So why should the little problems in my life or my boring job keep me from experiencing it? I think I'm learning this very slowly, but I hope that one day I can come to understand how to live every day with the life of this love flowing in me. For as Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" Galatians 2:20.
His beautiful creation screams LOVE!! The depth, the height, the width, the length of His love!!
This Thursday I went to Wrightsville Beach for the day with Veronica and her mom Marina, and I felt SO alive for the first time in so long. The whole time there I couldn’t stop singing, dancing and praising God running back and forth along the water so amazed by the beauty of God’s creation! B/c it has been so uncommon to be in the midst of such beauty, my soul felt awakened and stirred in a powerful way. The next day having to come into work at the hospital I felt tired from lacking sleep, but even more my soul felt so depressed and downcast at seeing the same old whitewashed walls and confined office space in comparison to the striking beauty of the endless ocean waters and sky with the never-ending crashing waves that seem to give praise continuously to the Lord every time they wash over the sand! The light of the sun reflecting off the water radiating such glory, the feeling of the soft ground under my feet and the tender sand between my fingers when the waves wash over it, the feeling of the ocean on my skin like healing waters, every time a wave washes over me its like the love of the Lord being lavished upon me, it makes me giggle with joy, the wide open spaces that make you spread your arms wide and feel so FREE, an unfading beautiful glory that makes me long for heaven, it constantly ministers to my soul, my voice is lost in the waves as songs flow from my heart in worship to my Creator God, to my wonderful Savior who gave it all for me, I feel so FULL of joy and peace, I wish I could be lost in this world forever, never leave it…it’s what I was made for. It’s the presence of God, all around, He’s captivating. There’s so much more depth in me than I realize until it is awakened and comes alive again. I’m so used to just feeling the surface and being deadened by apathy, tiredness and discouragement, I forget what its like to feel fully alive. It’s painful to realize what we’re missing out on when we finally experience it again. Yesterday I faced that, and it brought me to tears. I want to be alive in this way and experience God and walk with Him daily, yet why is so hard sometimes when I'm in places I don't want to be? Being in prison or facing persecution didn't stop the supernatural flow in Paul's life or his worship to the Lord. So why should the little problems in my life or my boring job keep me from experiencing it? I think I'm learning this very slowly, but I hope that one day I can come to understand how to live every day with the life of this love flowing in me. For as Paul said, "I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" Galatians 2:20.
The process of love
March 27
“The Process of Love” Danny Silk (http://www.ibethel.org/site/)
How do you know if you’re ready to get married? If you’re ready for covenant?
Galatians 4:1- people who were saved by love & grace were wooed back into following the rituals of the law by the Jews; the law was like a tutor that shaped God’s people until the appointed time when faith came
The Servant Phase/Level: There’s a process in which we’re groomed into maturity, & ultimately into love. It’s a phase of dependency where you’re learning obedience.
It starts with the level of a servant, it’s a dependent relationship, meaning that your not in charge of your own needs getting met, you’re waiting for instructions, for direction, your life is not your own.
The danger of living in a grace revival where we hear about being sons & daughters of the most high God where we are free is that we miss step one, we skip over the process that creates an internal world that can handle freedom & unlimited resources.
You learn how to sacrifice, how to give, how to help, how to respond to the external world, how to give out of your place of need, how to sacrifice in relationships.
A lot of people get damaged, experience neglect or abuse so they try to get away from the servant place to never have to submit again to a master.
As a servant you don’t get to understand the “why,” it’s a phase of learning trust
The Son/Daughter Level: A phase of independence, of choice. Learning to master your freedom, your choices, to master yourself. It’s the place where we learn to receive love, to lay our life down.
Luke 15:17-the prodigal son, he has disdain & disrespect for his father, asking his father for his inheritance is the equivalent of saying “i wish you were dead.” After squandering the inheritance & he is left with nothing, he remembers that he is a son, & remembers his father to be merciful & a safe place to go, so decides to go back to him.
Jumping over the servant phase to get to the Father’s goods will come up when it comes time for you to love.
A son experiences through failure an unconditional love source. Nothing you do can change the Father’s love towards you. The prodigal son punishes himself saying he will be a servant in his father’s house. Though he has shame, he knows his father will receive him.
You struggle with losing value b/c you’re not perfect. You will relate to your children with that same performance mentality. The lessons we learn as a son help us to become a father. Jesus said he no longer calls us servants, but friends. The servant doesn’t know what’s in his master’s heart. We have a new identity, we have access to new information. We know why we do the things we do, why we conduct ourselves the way we do, why we make the choices we do.
The Level of Lover: Not only do we make choices, but we can make a covenant now.
Revelations 19. Coming out of place of being unconditionally loved forever as a son, we have strength to receive & give love. The fears of abandonment & the orphan spirit has to be put off, it keeps us from being lovers. The motivation of a lover is to enter into a covenant for the benefit of the other, not to get something for your self.
“The Process of Love” Danny Silk (http://www.ibethel.org/site/)
How do you know if you’re ready to get married? If you’re ready for covenant?
Galatians 4:1- people who were saved by love & grace were wooed back into following the rituals of the law by the Jews; the law was like a tutor that shaped God’s people until the appointed time when faith came
The Servant Phase/Level: There’s a process in which we’re groomed into maturity, & ultimately into love. It’s a phase of dependency where you’re learning obedience.
It starts with the level of a servant, it’s a dependent relationship, meaning that your not in charge of your own needs getting met, you’re waiting for instructions, for direction, your life is not your own.
The danger of living in a grace revival where we hear about being sons & daughters of the most high God where we are free is that we miss step one, we skip over the process that creates an internal world that can handle freedom & unlimited resources.
You learn how to sacrifice, how to give, how to help, how to respond to the external world, how to give out of your place of need, how to sacrifice in relationships.
A lot of people get damaged, experience neglect or abuse so they try to get away from the servant place to never have to submit again to a master.
As a servant you don’t get to understand the “why,” it’s a phase of learning trust
The Son/Daughter Level: A phase of independence, of choice. Learning to master your freedom, your choices, to master yourself. It’s the place where we learn to receive love, to lay our life down.
Luke 15:17-the prodigal son, he has disdain & disrespect for his father, asking his father for his inheritance is the equivalent of saying “i wish you were dead.” After squandering the inheritance & he is left with nothing, he remembers that he is a son, & remembers his father to be merciful & a safe place to go, so decides to go back to him.
Jumping over the servant phase to get to the Father’s goods will come up when it comes time for you to love.
A son experiences through failure an unconditional love source. Nothing you do can change the Father’s love towards you. The prodigal son punishes himself saying he will be a servant in his father’s house. Though he has shame, he knows his father will receive him.
You struggle with losing value b/c you’re not perfect. You will relate to your children with that same performance mentality. The lessons we learn as a son help us to become a father. Jesus said he no longer calls us servants, but friends. The servant doesn’t know what’s in his master’s heart. We have a new identity, we have access to new information. We know why we do the things we do, why we conduct ourselves the way we do, why we make the choices we do.
The Level of Lover: Not only do we make choices, but we can make a covenant now.
Revelations 19. Coming out of place of being unconditionally loved forever as a son, we have strength to receive & give love. The fears of abandonment & the orphan spirit has to be put off, it keeps us from being lovers. The motivation of a lover is to enter into a covenant for the benefit of the other, not to get something for your self.
Visit with Dad
March 4
I flew out the next morning to visit my dad for the week. Most of the time during my visit I had peace & felt assured the Lord was with me even though I didn’t have much time alone with the Lord or privacy to worship freely, to sing & pray aloud. My 2nd day there, on the way back from cross country skiing I was tired from not having slept & had a headache, & wanted to talk to my dad, but didn’t know what to say. Every time I looked at him my heart began to swell & I couldn’t contain what I was feeling. My heart broke with love for him & desire for him to know God. I started crying & tried to hide my face but when we stopped by the grocery store he asked me what was wrong. I told him it was b/c I wanted him to know how much I love him & to know the love of Jesus & how it’s so hard not being able to share that with him when it is everything to me, it is my life. I told him I wanted to talk about it with him but didn’t know if he was open to talk about it. He said yes, so later that day I was able to talk with him & ask questions & share a little bit of my testimony, but it was really hard to discover his answers & have to be quiet when he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He admitted he didn’t have an answer to some of the questions, but assured me that it didn’t matter to him b/c he didn’t need God anyway. He even stated, “God, if you up are there, I don’t need you. I’m sorry if my daughter thinks otherwise.” He asked if I was worried that he’s going to hell & said he’s sure that he’s not. He asked if I was trying to convert him, & the night before I was supposed to leave, when he said he hoped that wasn’t the reason why I came up to see him, that made my heart sad to hear he thought that I only cared about making him believe in God & not actually about him. When I asked him what evidence he needed to believe God exists, he gave a similar answer to the last time I had asked him, that God would have to talk to him, to walk in the door & talk to him. He needs an encounter with the reality of God & his love, but he denies that that reality exists & therefore will not give God a chance to make himself known. I can only hope that despite my dad’s hard unbelieving heart that God will come in His mercy & show him that my dad needs Him & that there is more than the world he knows.
Getting back to Durham & going into work, I had a hard time resting in the place of freedom & quiet, the peace & joy in God’s presence. I didn’t feel much desire to pray or worship, & I busied myself with other things instead. I want to come back to that place of feeling satisfied, filled with His Spirit, hungry for more, & so aware of his love. But I’ve felt so burdened with everything, for my family, for the students at Hillside & all the ministry preparations, meetings, etc. And feeling like there’s input, but no output. That I’m laboring & sometimes growing weary, feeling like I’m doing a bad job & that it’s producing no results. I feel like the Lord is saying to not give up, that it is not in vain, but to be a patient farmer. That right now it seems so hard b/c I’m still plowing the ground, & it’s hard work to get through, to prepare the ground so that the seeds might be scattered. But it’s a process, & eventually the fruit will come. For only God can make the seeds grow.
I flew out the next morning to visit my dad for the week. Most of the time during my visit I had peace & felt assured the Lord was with me even though I didn’t have much time alone with the Lord or privacy to worship freely, to sing & pray aloud. My 2nd day there, on the way back from cross country skiing I was tired from not having slept & had a headache, & wanted to talk to my dad, but didn’t know what to say. Every time I looked at him my heart began to swell & I couldn’t contain what I was feeling. My heart broke with love for him & desire for him to know God. I started crying & tried to hide my face but when we stopped by the grocery store he asked me what was wrong. I told him it was b/c I wanted him to know how much I love him & to know the love of Jesus & how it’s so hard not being able to share that with him when it is everything to me, it is my life. I told him I wanted to talk about it with him but didn’t know if he was open to talk about it. He said yes, so later that day I was able to talk with him & ask questions & share a little bit of my testimony, but it was really hard to discover his answers & have to be quiet when he didn’t want to talk about it anymore. He admitted he didn’t have an answer to some of the questions, but assured me that it didn’t matter to him b/c he didn’t need God anyway. He even stated, “God, if you up are there, I don’t need you. I’m sorry if my daughter thinks otherwise.” He asked if I was worried that he’s going to hell & said he’s sure that he’s not. He asked if I was trying to convert him, & the night before I was supposed to leave, when he said he hoped that wasn’t the reason why I came up to see him, that made my heart sad to hear he thought that I only cared about making him believe in God & not actually about him. When I asked him what evidence he needed to believe God exists, he gave a similar answer to the last time I had asked him, that God would have to talk to him, to walk in the door & talk to him. He needs an encounter with the reality of God & his love, but he denies that that reality exists & therefore will not give God a chance to make himself known. I can only hope that despite my dad’s hard unbelieving heart that God will come in His mercy & show him that my dad needs Him & that there is more than the world he knows.
Getting back to Durham & going into work, I had a hard time resting in the place of freedom & quiet, the peace & joy in God’s presence. I didn’t feel much desire to pray or worship, & I busied myself with other things instead. I want to come back to that place of feeling satisfied, filled with His Spirit, hungry for more, & so aware of his love. But I’ve felt so burdened with everything, for my family, for the students at Hillside & all the ministry preparations, meetings, etc. And feeling like there’s input, but no output. That I’m laboring & sometimes growing weary, feeling like I’m doing a bad job & that it’s producing no results. I feel like the Lord is saying to not give up, that it is not in vain, but to be a patient farmer. That right now it seems so hard b/c I’m still plowing the ground, & it’s hard work to get through, to prepare the ground so that the seeds might be scattered. But it’s a process, & eventually the fruit will come. For only God can make the seeds grow.
The enemy knows our weaknesses
Wow, I can’t believe it’s been a month since I’ve put my thoughts on paper. A lot has happened, it’s been hard. But God is faithful. On Friday, Feb.12 my grandpa passed away. When I first received the news I couldn’t believe it. I was at work when my mom called & told me. I couldn’t even cry, I was in shock & couldn’t accept it. I immediately texted my friends to get them to pray & started praying myself but hardly could. Not only was I in shock with what had happened, but also with myself. I realized I had missed my chance. I hadn’t told him how much Jesus loves him, how Jesus died to save him & give him life. I’m weeping now with much grief in my heart remembering that he is gone & that I can’t tell him, I can’t tell him how God loves him, & how much I love him. I may not ever know until I get to heaven if I’ll see him again. I’ve forgiven myself & I know it’s not my fault if he didn’t accept Jesus, but oh how my heart breaks over not knowing & never having been able to share the fellowship of the love of Christ with him. My sister & I left Friday afternoon to drive down to Florida & the whole week I was there I had to see my grandma looking sickly, sad, and weak, like the life had been sucked out of her. She is no longer the Nana I once knew, & it hurts so bad knowing I’m losing her too. I’m more assured that she believes in Jesus b/c I’ve talked to her about it but I ‘ve never heard her or seen her express her faith in a way that shows she has really experienced the love of God. And I don’t know what else to say to her, I don’t know if she can even process any longer most of what I say. I shared with my sister about Jesus the whole way in the car ride down, but she still has not come to a knowledge of the truth & salvation. The last night there my mom got upset with me for packing a prepared salad to take with me as a snack during Makenzie’s (my cousin) softball game since we weren’t going to have dinner until afterwards. She started bringing up all the things that I do that are selfish & how I act like its all about me & how I’m a hypocrite. She started bringing all these accusations against me again, tearing me down. I was offended & hurt not recognizing that she was rebuking me out of a wrong spirit, not by the Holy Spirit. My sister agreed with her & she said the whole family notices it & thinks that about me. I felt so helpless, unable to defend myself. I became angry & didn’t want to talk to anyone, b/c I couldn’t believe that was the way they saw me. After all I want to do is love them & be a witness to them, I felt despaired, like a complete failure, & that all my prayers & efforts, that it was all a waste, that it meant nothing if this is the way they see me. This was from the enemy b/c it did not bring conviction, which shows us our errors but gives us hope for change. My mom always brings up my past, which the enemy loves to continually throw back in our face to cause us negative feelings of shame, condemnation, despair, anger, hurt, etc. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. My mom uses this record to say that I’ve always been a certain way & make the same mistakes, which attacks me with the lie that I am failure & that I’m not enough, & never will be. This lie depresses the soul. That night, I felt awful & repented for the foolish way I acted in response to this confrontation by being offended, angry, sad & trying to ignore my mom & sister. I cried out to the Lord, expressing these feelings of hurt & hopelessness. I felt so misread, so overlooked, I just couldn’t get over what my mom had said, & had received that bad seed she spoke over me, which was then causing me to feel that way towards God & think that He thought that way about me too. If I was willing to give up everything & sacrifice & suffer for the hope of bringing salvation to the lost, to do whatever God tells me, go wherever he wants me to go, if this is truly my heart, then why are they seeing the opposite? My mom says, how are you ever going to live overseas & in bad conditions when you’re so particular about everything, your sleeping conditions, your diet, the bugs, etc. And I’m thinking, don’t you get it? That’s the whole point!! I want to get rid of these fears and problems by facing them, & I want to serve the Lord with my life & rid it of all selfish desires. But she makes me feel desperate, discouraged & frustrated, b/c I haven’t got there yet. But instead of offering me hope for getting there & knowing that God is able to bring all these changes to my life, she makes me feel like it all depends on me. And if it counts on me, I am sure to fail, over & over again. I am unable to change many of those things, like my allergy to gluten, sensitivity to noise with sleep, they are outside my control & influence. I believe the Lord gave me a dream that night to encourage me & show me that He sees what’s deep in my heart. I didn’t even have a conversation with my brother while we were down there. But the only interaction I remembered was him rudely yelling at me to turn off the worship music that I was playing on the computer in the Café Area as we were all about to eat dinner. In the dream, I remember that my brother had been treating me unkindly & putting me down, but my response was just to ignore it & continue to show him love. We were in the back seat of the car going somewhere with my family when he began to apologize for the way he had been treating me & the hate & anger he had shown towards me & began to express how much he loved me. He had realized how I truly loved him & love had broken through whatever bitterness was in his heart towards me. I saw in that moment that love had won & his heart had been softened & changed. With a glad heart to hear his words, I said to him, “Lance, I love you.” He hugged me & kept telling me how he loved me. It was so deep, so strong the emotion I felt and what he expressed in the dream. When we got out of the car & as were walking down the road, I remember I looked at my sister & we were glad together to finally have our brother understand. So it seemed in the dream my sister had already come to know the Lord, or at least maybe more about him. It seemed like we were in agreement in the dream, so something had changed between us. And I felt in the dream the way I long to feel as I pray for them, to have that fellowship of the love of Christ between us.
Our struggle is not with flesh and blood
Jan 10,2010
Isaiah 59:19- “From the west, men will fear the name of the Lord, and from the rising of the sun, they will revere his glory. When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will put him to flight, shall lift up a standard against him.”
(For he will come like a pent-up flood that the breath of the Lord drives along)
1 Kings 4:24; Joshua 24:14-15; Exodus 7:19, 8:5, 23:31
The same Hebrew word for flood, or river, in the passage above in Isaiah is also used in these passages. The use of this word seems to carry the meaning of boundary or border lines & the dividing line for dominion, the separation of good and evil, & almost like a hedge of protection.
In Ezekial the river rose so high that they could no longer cross it. I feel like it could symbolize a keeping away of our enemies, the river puts a line between us & our enemies that they cannot cross, & if they try to they will drown in the flood. The breath of the Lord could be like the wind of Spirit that causes dangerous currents in the river so our enemies cannot cross it. WOW! That’s so cool! The Lord just showed me this.
I thought of the verse in Isaiah because yesterday at work I felt like the enemy had come in like a flood, overtaking me with this weight of tiredness that had a hold on me all day. I easily gave into it rather than trying to fight it & I let it consume me the whole day until about 3:00pm. I kept trying to sleep on the floor in the office but every time I would lay down & almost fall asleep I would get a page. I was able to interpret, but I felt so weak & tired, like I had been sucked dry of my strength. Instead of praying & trying to break free from it & receive the strength of the Lord I just kept trying to sleep to feel better. Finally I decided I wasn’t going to try to sleep anymore, that it was pointless since I kept getting pages. And once I started praying & crying out to the Lord & rebuking the devil I didn’t get another page until awhile later. I still felt frustrated & in a bad mood & interpreted for the patients without compassion & out of a heart that did not care. I was angry b/c I want to leave this hospital, this job, I hate being here. I can’t seem to really enjoy it even when I have a good attitude about it & have found opportunities to witness to patients. I just feel so unfulfilled, so useless, so purposeless, here. I feel trapped, like I’ve been put in this prison, & something in me is crying out to be set free. I don’t understand the Lord’s purpose right now in putting me here, but one day I will see. I will see how He uses this for my good.
Today, even though I still feel really tired I am choosing to persevere through prayer & worship & claiming God’s promises. I still don’t feel joy & total peace in the Lord, I don’t feel His nearness & I don’t know why, but I have the assurance that it will come back. I just don’t want to stop believing that He loves me just b/c He does, & not b/c of anything I do. He still loves me when I don’t feel His love. I know there will be hard days, many of them. But I don’t want to be defeated by them, I don’t want to give in to the enemy’s lies when I have the Spirit of God & the power of His promises that are stronger. For greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!! Why is that so hard to perceive? Oh how I despise how my emotions control me & keep me from walking in victory & freedom. I cannot seem to change them no matter how hard I try. I think if I pray & yell & cry out to Jesus enough that I can break free from it & find His presence, but sometimes I don’t. Last night when I got home from work I stayed in the car crying out in prayer & wanting to cry to release the frustration I felt inside, but was unable to. I reached with my heart for him with all my strength but could not find him. I tried claiming His promises & taking authority over the enemy, I felt like He would not answer me, He didn't come. Whenever I’m weak & tired, I feel defeated & feel like a failure when I am not able to pray & worship and feel the Lord's pleasure over me. When I don’t feel that delight, I am disheartened; my heart is discouraged b/c I don’t know what to do. I just don’t understand. Will I always have this struggle? Is it common to every believer? Is it just the struggle between flesh & spirit that we will battle with until the day our Lord returns? For some reason I thought after experiencing such revelation of God’s love & the manifestation of His Spirit in such a strong way that things would surely be different from then on. But no, it’s still hard; it’s still a struggle, why can’t it be that easy every day? If such power is available to us, & an endless measure of His Spirit, than I don’t understand if why we ask for it & seek after it, why much of the time I still feel void of it. Is it not possible to have that joy, that peace, that reality of His love & nearness every day? In Isaiah the Lord says He’s doing a new thing & then He asks, do you not perceive it? Sometimes I cannot perceive it, and have no sense or awareness of it. Is that b/c sometimes we are just supposed to believe it by faith even though we don’t experience the reality of it? Maybe in the dying of our flesh sometimes the battle takes longer to win b/c the Lord is bringing up those impurities, those things in us He wants to remove, but they want to stay, & the enemy wants to keep them there so he’s waging war against the Spirit in us to maintain their habitation, but maybe it comes down to our decision which one we will submit to?
Though it seems like I'm fighting against my flesh, the Scriptures tell us our struggle is with the spiritual realm. Lord, please give me discernment to understand the battle I face and how to fight it.
Isaiah 59:19- “From the west, men will fear the name of the Lord, and from the rising of the sun, they will revere his glory. When the enemy comes in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord will put him to flight, shall lift up a standard against him.”
(For he will come like a pent-up flood that the breath of the Lord drives along)
1 Kings 4:24; Joshua 24:14-15; Exodus 7:19, 8:5, 23:31
The same Hebrew word for flood, or river, in the passage above in Isaiah is also used in these passages. The use of this word seems to carry the meaning of boundary or border lines & the dividing line for dominion, the separation of good and evil, & almost like a hedge of protection.
In Ezekial the river rose so high that they could no longer cross it. I feel like it could symbolize a keeping away of our enemies, the river puts a line between us & our enemies that they cannot cross, & if they try to they will drown in the flood. The breath of the Lord could be like the wind of Spirit that causes dangerous currents in the river so our enemies cannot cross it. WOW! That’s so cool! The Lord just showed me this.
I thought of the verse in Isaiah because yesterday at work I felt like the enemy had come in like a flood, overtaking me with this weight of tiredness that had a hold on me all day. I easily gave into it rather than trying to fight it & I let it consume me the whole day until about 3:00pm. I kept trying to sleep on the floor in the office but every time I would lay down & almost fall asleep I would get a page. I was able to interpret, but I felt so weak & tired, like I had been sucked dry of my strength. Instead of praying & trying to break free from it & receive the strength of the Lord I just kept trying to sleep to feel better. Finally I decided I wasn’t going to try to sleep anymore, that it was pointless since I kept getting pages. And once I started praying & crying out to the Lord & rebuking the devil I didn’t get another page until awhile later. I still felt frustrated & in a bad mood & interpreted for the patients without compassion & out of a heart that did not care. I was angry b/c I want to leave this hospital, this job, I hate being here. I can’t seem to really enjoy it even when I have a good attitude about it & have found opportunities to witness to patients. I just feel so unfulfilled, so useless, so purposeless, here. I feel trapped, like I’ve been put in this prison, & something in me is crying out to be set free. I don’t understand the Lord’s purpose right now in putting me here, but one day I will see. I will see how He uses this for my good.
Today, even though I still feel really tired I am choosing to persevere through prayer & worship & claiming God’s promises. I still don’t feel joy & total peace in the Lord, I don’t feel His nearness & I don’t know why, but I have the assurance that it will come back. I just don’t want to stop believing that He loves me just b/c He does, & not b/c of anything I do. He still loves me when I don’t feel His love. I know there will be hard days, many of them. But I don’t want to be defeated by them, I don’t want to give in to the enemy’s lies when I have the Spirit of God & the power of His promises that are stronger. For greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world!! Why is that so hard to perceive? Oh how I despise how my emotions control me & keep me from walking in victory & freedom. I cannot seem to change them no matter how hard I try. I think if I pray & yell & cry out to Jesus enough that I can break free from it & find His presence, but sometimes I don’t. Last night when I got home from work I stayed in the car crying out in prayer & wanting to cry to release the frustration I felt inside, but was unable to. I reached with my heart for him with all my strength but could not find him. I tried claiming His promises & taking authority over the enemy, I felt like He would not answer me, He didn't come. Whenever I’m weak & tired, I feel defeated & feel like a failure when I am not able to pray & worship and feel the Lord's pleasure over me. When I don’t feel that delight, I am disheartened; my heart is discouraged b/c I don’t know what to do. I just don’t understand. Will I always have this struggle? Is it common to every believer? Is it just the struggle between flesh & spirit that we will battle with until the day our Lord returns? For some reason I thought after experiencing such revelation of God’s love & the manifestation of His Spirit in such a strong way that things would surely be different from then on. But no, it’s still hard; it’s still a struggle, why can’t it be that easy every day? If such power is available to us, & an endless measure of His Spirit, than I don’t understand if why we ask for it & seek after it, why much of the time I still feel void of it. Is it not possible to have that joy, that peace, that reality of His love & nearness every day? In Isaiah the Lord says He’s doing a new thing & then He asks, do you not perceive it? Sometimes I cannot perceive it, and have no sense or awareness of it. Is that b/c sometimes we are just supposed to believe it by faith even though we don’t experience the reality of it? Maybe in the dying of our flesh sometimes the battle takes longer to win b/c the Lord is bringing up those impurities, those things in us He wants to remove, but they want to stay, & the enemy wants to keep them there so he’s waging war against the Spirit in us to maintain their habitation, but maybe it comes down to our decision which one we will submit to?
Though it seems like I'm fighting against my flesh, the Scriptures tell us our struggle is with the spiritual realm. Lord, please give me discernment to understand the battle I face and how to fight it.
Words from Bill Johnson
Jan 8,2010
“…the awe has to be restored. If we understand everything about our Christian walk we have an inferior Christian life. There has to be mystery. Things we can’t control, we can’t explain, we can’t understand….You don’t need signs if you’re traveling on a road you're familiar with. But if you’re going to go where you’ve never been, you’ll need signs to get there. And if there’s no signs on the road you’re traveling on, how do you know you’re on the road you think you’re on?”
There’s a story of a lady walking into a healing room & seeing a painting with the word Hope. She starts weeping and is immediately healed of brain cancer. “The interesting thing about creative expression is any time your creative expression functions out of an encounter with God, it can bring others into that same encounter.”
Our ministry has a lot to do with our relationship with the Holy Spirit & our ability to let him use us as a tool. In Judges it says that God clothed himself with Gideon. God put him on like a glove. Jesus teaches us in Matthew 11 to let our peace come to a house that is worthy to receive it. In the natural, peace is the absence of something, the absence of war, conflict, noise. But in the kingdom, it is the presence of that person. Jesus is talking about the presence of the Holy Spirit to be imparted, released into that atmosphere & change the atmosphere it enters into. It’s the privilege of the believer to host this presence & then learn to release it. The release of this presence comes through speech, through touch, & prophetic acts. Jesus was the word become flesh & his words when he spoke became Spirit. That is why when he said the kingdom of God is at hand it really was b/c he was releasing the dominion of heaven making it available & in reach to all.
The Power of a Promise- Sermon by Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding, CA
Isaiah 45, 60
When God gives us a promise He comes from our future to our present with a word to get us to where He sees us going.
When we bring an encouraging word to someone we are extending the favor of God on our own life to them. We’re making them a target of God’s blessing asking the Lord to strike it. The Lord will sometimes give us a word, a token that He intends for us to give to someone else. He will not speak everything to us one on one, b/c if He did we would have no need for each other. So He orchestrates things in such a way that what He releases to one person is to be delivered to another. All of the gifts of the Spirit work in that way. King David is a perfect example of how God arranges things to function this way. He was a king, priest & prophet. He wanted to know if God had given him permission to build a temple, but the Lord would not tell him. He did not find out until he sought out the counsel of other prophets. We weren’t designed to do it on our own. If you have a vision you can accomplish on your own, it’s not big enough.
Isaiah 45-Prophetic Word for 2010
The good news is you win. The bad news is there’s a fight. The Lord says, “I will go before you. And make crooked places straight. I will break down gates of bronze.” What happens when gates are broken? Entire groups of people are ushered into a breakthrough. “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places.” Do you sense something good is coming but you can’t see it? The real treasure is people. The Lord has connections, alliances prepared for us that will come to light at the right time.
There’s two ways to apprehend the kingdom of God: the violent take it by force-there’s a battle we are to learn how to fight. And then we must learn to enter it as a child, to receive our inheritance. A people that are possessed by promise. Return to the promises. Every time someone steps into divine destiny they learn something about God: that He calls them by name. This is His purpose, that we may know that He made us & calls us into His love.
“…the awe has to be restored. If we understand everything about our Christian walk we have an inferior Christian life. There has to be mystery. Things we can’t control, we can’t explain, we can’t understand….You don’t need signs if you’re traveling on a road you're familiar with. But if you’re going to go where you’ve never been, you’ll need signs to get there. And if there’s no signs on the road you’re traveling on, how do you know you’re on the road you think you’re on?”
There’s a story of a lady walking into a healing room & seeing a painting with the word Hope. She starts weeping and is immediately healed of brain cancer. “The interesting thing about creative expression is any time your creative expression functions out of an encounter with God, it can bring others into that same encounter.”
Our ministry has a lot to do with our relationship with the Holy Spirit & our ability to let him use us as a tool. In Judges it says that God clothed himself with Gideon. God put him on like a glove. Jesus teaches us in Matthew 11 to let our peace come to a house that is worthy to receive it. In the natural, peace is the absence of something, the absence of war, conflict, noise. But in the kingdom, it is the presence of that person. Jesus is talking about the presence of the Holy Spirit to be imparted, released into that atmosphere & change the atmosphere it enters into. It’s the privilege of the believer to host this presence & then learn to release it. The release of this presence comes through speech, through touch, & prophetic acts. Jesus was the word become flesh & his words when he spoke became Spirit. That is why when he said the kingdom of God is at hand it really was b/c he was releasing the dominion of heaven making it available & in reach to all.
The Power of a Promise- Sermon by Bill Johnson from Bethel Church in Redding, CA
Isaiah 45, 60
When God gives us a promise He comes from our future to our present with a word to get us to where He sees us going.
When we bring an encouraging word to someone we are extending the favor of God on our own life to them. We’re making them a target of God’s blessing asking the Lord to strike it. The Lord will sometimes give us a word, a token that He intends for us to give to someone else. He will not speak everything to us one on one, b/c if He did we would have no need for each other. So He orchestrates things in such a way that what He releases to one person is to be delivered to another. All of the gifts of the Spirit work in that way. King David is a perfect example of how God arranges things to function this way. He was a king, priest & prophet. He wanted to know if God had given him permission to build a temple, but the Lord would not tell him. He did not find out until he sought out the counsel of other prophets. We weren’t designed to do it on our own. If you have a vision you can accomplish on your own, it’s not big enough.
Isaiah 45-Prophetic Word for 2010
The good news is you win. The bad news is there’s a fight. The Lord says, “I will go before you. And make crooked places straight. I will break down gates of bronze.” What happens when gates are broken? Entire groups of people are ushered into a breakthrough. “I will give you the treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places.” Do you sense something good is coming but you can’t see it? The real treasure is people. The Lord has connections, alliances prepared for us that will come to light at the right time.
There’s two ways to apprehend the kingdom of God: the violent take it by force-there’s a battle we are to learn how to fight. And then we must learn to enter it as a child, to receive our inheritance. A people that are possessed by promise. Return to the promises. Every time someone steps into divine destiny they learn something about God: that He calls them by name. This is His purpose, that we may know that He made us & calls us into His love.
When He takes over, His Presence
Jan 6,2010
Tuesday morning I awoke to a call from my friend Randi Frazier & after I got off the phone my heart felt a little burdened & disturbed. The night before I had felt like the Spirit had woken me up in my sleep praying & I couldn’t stop moving in the bed & was not completely awake but was praying & then eventually fell back asleep. This has happened the past 3 nights in my sleep but the last 2 nights I just felt hot & uncomfortable & couldn’t stop moving in my bed trying to fall back asleep. I don’t know if it’s the Spirit or if the discomfort is due to my body temperature. Well anyways, that morning something was stirring in me & I felt like I couldn’t stay in the house, it felt like something was pulling me & driving me out of the house! And as I was almost ready to leave it kept getting stronger & the Spirit was starting to move & shake me again & I said, “Ok Lord, I’m leaving!” I got in the car & asked the Lord where to go & I felt led to South Point Mall. I just wanted to witness to people but then I felt so full of the Spirit that I just wanted to stand up in front of everyone inside the mall & proclaim the good news of Christ! So I went inside & ran into one of the girls from Hillside Highschool & spoke with her for a moment then she said she had to go. So I went & sat down on the bench & started to pray & ask the Lord what message he would have me give. A lot of scriptures started coming to mind & found every one of them in my bible where I didn’t have any of them underlined & wasn’t sure of where they were. I stood up shaking b/c I couldn’t stop the Spirit, it was increasing & like fire shut up in my bones I had to let out! I stood up on the platform & starting preaching from Revelation but hadn’t got through a paragraph before a policeman came over & stopped me. At first I wouldn’t step down but didn’t want to get in trouble with the authorities so I complied. I was about to leave when a group of girls came over & commended me for what I was trying to do & said they just wanted to encourage me, & my heart was encouraged. Thank you Lord!! So I sat back down & starting praying asking the Lord what he wanted me to do. A couple minutes later I had my eyes closed but heard someone speaking Spanish beside me & it caught my attention. There was a cute little girl playing & I felt led to go speak to her parents. It turned out they had just arrived to the states the day before! I invited them to church & the Lord gave me the words to speak & share part of my testimony & how we are made for relationship with God. May the Lord direct them into relationship with Him & a reality of His love & what they were made for. Wednesday I spent most of the day typing up this testimony of all the Lord is doing & I’m so encouraged. Praise God!! The Spirit started moving in me again last night before I even got to church & Chuck Porta brought a timely message talking about how we are made for intimacy with the Lord, that the King has given us an invitation to be his friend! Scripture shows us that the Lord will still bless us, He will give us victory, destiny, & provision without His presence (Exodus 33). The Lord promised these things to the people of Israel after they had turned to idols & worshipped the golden calf, but He said He would not go up with them to the land flowing with milk & honey b/c He might destroy them b/c they are a stiff-necked & obstinate people. B/c He is a covenant keeping God, He remained true to His Word to bring them into the promised land, but said His presence would not go with them. But thankfully the people thought this was a sad word & mourned, in other words they probably turned their hearts back fully to the Lord. And so He responded saying He would go with them. WOW! Even though we fall into compromise & sin & rebellion, when we repent & come back to our first love, He receives us with His great mercies & comes to dwell with us with His presence. I have been experiencing this divine visitation of His Spirit, the presence of the Lord!! He’s been meeting me day after day as I cry out to Him for more. I want intimacy, Oh more than anything I want His presence! I don’t want to just settle for the victory, the destiny, the provision, as great as they are. I have nothing without His presence & my heart withers away & dies without His nearness, the reality of His tangible love. Make me a voice Lord, not just an echo. I don’t want to depend on others to hear your voice, I don’t want to live off other people’s revelation & words from you. I want to hear your voice for myself, I want to have a daily tent of meeting with you, to commune with you face to face as Moses did!!!!
Tuesday morning I awoke to a call from my friend Randi Frazier & after I got off the phone my heart felt a little burdened & disturbed. The night before I had felt like the Spirit had woken me up in my sleep praying & I couldn’t stop moving in the bed & was not completely awake but was praying & then eventually fell back asleep. This has happened the past 3 nights in my sleep but the last 2 nights I just felt hot & uncomfortable & couldn’t stop moving in my bed trying to fall back asleep. I don’t know if it’s the Spirit or if the discomfort is due to my body temperature. Well anyways, that morning something was stirring in me & I felt like I couldn’t stay in the house, it felt like something was pulling me & driving me out of the house! And as I was almost ready to leave it kept getting stronger & the Spirit was starting to move & shake me again & I said, “Ok Lord, I’m leaving!” I got in the car & asked the Lord where to go & I felt led to South Point Mall. I just wanted to witness to people but then I felt so full of the Spirit that I just wanted to stand up in front of everyone inside the mall & proclaim the good news of Christ! So I went inside & ran into one of the girls from Hillside Highschool & spoke with her for a moment then she said she had to go. So I went & sat down on the bench & started to pray & ask the Lord what message he would have me give. A lot of scriptures started coming to mind & found every one of them in my bible where I didn’t have any of them underlined & wasn’t sure of where they were. I stood up shaking b/c I couldn’t stop the Spirit, it was increasing & like fire shut up in my bones I had to let out! I stood up on the platform & starting preaching from Revelation but hadn’t got through a paragraph before a policeman came over & stopped me. At first I wouldn’t step down but didn’t want to get in trouble with the authorities so I complied. I was about to leave when a group of girls came over & commended me for what I was trying to do & said they just wanted to encourage me, & my heart was encouraged. Thank you Lord!! So I sat back down & starting praying asking the Lord what he wanted me to do. A couple minutes later I had my eyes closed but heard someone speaking Spanish beside me & it caught my attention. There was a cute little girl playing & I felt led to go speak to her parents. It turned out they had just arrived to the states the day before! I invited them to church & the Lord gave me the words to speak & share part of my testimony & how we are made for relationship with God. May the Lord direct them into relationship with Him & a reality of His love & what they were made for. Wednesday I spent most of the day typing up this testimony of all the Lord is doing & I’m so encouraged. Praise God!! The Spirit started moving in me again last night before I even got to church & Chuck Porta brought a timely message talking about how we are made for intimacy with the Lord, that the King has given us an invitation to be his friend! Scripture shows us that the Lord will still bless us, He will give us victory, destiny, & provision without His presence (Exodus 33). The Lord promised these things to the people of Israel after they had turned to idols & worshipped the golden calf, but He said He would not go up with them to the land flowing with milk & honey b/c He might destroy them b/c they are a stiff-necked & obstinate people. B/c He is a covenant keeping God, He remained true to His Word to bring them into the promised land, but said His presence would not go with them. But thankfully the people thought this was a sad word & mourned, in other words they probably turned their hearts back fully to the Lord. And so He responded saying He would go with them. WOW! Even though we fall into compromise & sin & rebellion, when we repent & come back to our first love, He receives us with His great mercies & comes to dwell with us with His presence. I have been experiencing this divine visitation of His Spirit, the presence of the Lord!! He’s been meeting me day after day as I cry out to Him for more. I want intimacy, Oh more than anything I want His presence! I don’t want to just settle for the victory, the destiny, the provision, as great as they are. I have nothing without His presence & my heart withers away & dies without His nearness, the reality of His tangible love. Make me a voice Lord, not just an echo. I don’t want to depend on others to hear your voice, I don’t want to live off other people’s revelation & words from you. I want to hear your voice for myself, I want to have a daily tent of meeting with you, to commune with you face to face as Moses did!!!!
His Spirit moves me
So I met with Candice as well Thurs. afternoon at Bruegger’s Bagels and felt the encouragement and joy of the Lord, and she gave me another beautiful word from the Lord in Isaiah 54. I’ve been able to visualize in my mind the beauty of the Lord and I’ve got lost in worshipping Him at such lengths with no distractions in my mind. There’s such a great peace that has been in me and He’s given me so much focus. In my short time spent at IHOP I felt like I received SO much. The Lord has done SOO much in me in such a short time!!! Sometimes His work in us is speedy, and sometimes it takes longer. But WOW, when we yield to Him, and when we seek Him with all our heart, we truly can find Him!!!! So Candice & I were praying in Bruegger’s Bagels with no one else in the store but a young girl who was cleaning up to close it for the day. We invited her to church and after Candice left I waited for her until she was ready to leave, her name was Laura. I so desired to share the love of God with her. So the Spirit gave me the words to share my testimony and God’s testimony of His Son sent for her that she may know her Father’s love. I prayed for her and could tell she was touched. I praised God with joy! I came home and got ready to go to KPIC for the New Year’s service. It didn’t matter to me that I was sick and had a hoarse voice. None of it was stopping me from seeking God more, in fact it was the greatest blessing b/c it let God get my full attention so He could break into my world like never before!!! The Spirit was touching me during worship and continued to through the service. I was beginning to feel the Spirit moving me again as I had felt when I got back from IHOP. He was beginning to take over me completely with His love! We prayed for probably 2 hours after the service, Christine, Adrian, Brian, Denise, Diana and I. He has put such hunger in Christine and I’s heart recently, it’s awesome how He’s moving in our lives and oh I praise Him for my sister, who He’s blessed me with as an intercessory partner, and such a joy and encouragement. I’m so thankful for her, I know it would be really hard without her b/c she so encourages what the Lord is doing in me which I need b/c I know the enemy wants to come steal it from me by lying to me and making me believe it’s just feelings or won’t last. But I have believed and will continue to declare what the Lord has revealed to my heart and I WILL NOT let the enemy come and rob me of the joy of my salvation or my newfound understanding as His daughter!! The Father has let me feel and experience His love in such a strong way, I’ve felt it in my WHOLE being!!!
So because I was still sick I took off work Saturday and Sunday and was able to continue just seeking the Lord constantly, I had places I had planned on going to and things to buy but I couldn’t get myself to leave the house b/c I was so happy to just be with the Lord and spend time with Him and enjoy Him! Sat.night Christie, Christine and I hung out at our place and stayed up late, till 3 in the morning. Brian had invited Christine and I to go a church in revival called Catch the Fire that was born from a revival that broke out in Toronto that’s been going on for years! I sensed the Lord had more for us there, and boy did He have much more than I was expecting!! I felt the Spirit moving me as we worshipped and I kept laughing for joy during the sermon. The prophetic word of the Lord to us from Isaiah 43:18-19, that the Lord is doing a new thing among us and that we shall forget the former things and dwell not on the past, lifted and strengthened my Spirit even more. The service was sooo encouraging, when it ended Christine and I of course could not stop praying and went to the back of the church and continued to pray and cry out to the Lord. Brian eventually came and interrupted us asking us if we wanted to go get lunch and I yelled, “I’m not even hungry, I’m hungry for God!!”. Then some people in the church came up to us b/c they could see the Spirit on us. And when they prayed for me, the Spirit was taking control more and more as I yielded to Him, and He knocked me back onto the ground!!! I just laid there so free and full of joy feeling His love all over me, praising God with shouts, and praying for more. I was so amazed, I don’t know when I would have gotten up off the floor of the church if Brian hadn’t come over and taken my hands to lift me up. I felt so happy and an endless flow of His love washing over me. And it didn’t stop. The Lord sent us a Hispanic family in the parking lot in front of Subway to tell us where a Mexican restaurant was so I would be able to eat something as well. And then we got to minister to our waiter and pray for him and the Lord definitely touched him. Then Christine fell down in the Spirit on the bathroom floor laughing as we were getting ready to leave! Haleluyah!! We went to KPIC for Celebracion Hispana and as the worship team was practicing I couldn’t stop praying in the hall as the Spirit kept moving me in intercession. When I began to worship before the actual service started I felt the presence of the Lord within me and all over me and around me, He was taking over again and who could stop Him? As I yielded to His love He continued to pour it out on me like wave after wave after wave. I felt the PLEASURE of God all over me, the DELIGHT of my Lord! And the LOVE of the Father! It felt as if He was literally tickling me making me giggle for joy. I fell to the floor knocked over by His love again and stayed there praising Him with my arm raised and laughing for joy until Marta came over and lifted me up and had me sit in the chair. But I was so overcome and so taken over by His love I couldn’t stop praising Him and I didn’t need music! As I kept my eyes closed worshipping Him He continued to pour His delight on me. When worship started it got even stronger again and as I worshipped and danced for joy I never wanted it to end. After worship I went to pray with Christine b/c she had to leave and the Spirit continued to touch us and fill us with joy. After the service I tried to meet some of the new people I didn’t know, but after talking to them briefly my heart was a little saddened b/c they just seemed unhappy and not interested. My heart desired so much to pray for them and bless them but b/c of their seemingly disinterest I excused myself. When I got in the car to go my heart began to ache with desire for the Lord and as I prayed I began to weep in His presence and I could hardly drive. Deep cried out to deep and oh I how longed for more of Him. Suddenly I felt scared of Him leaving me and I knew I couldn’t survive with out His love and I cried out, Abba! Padre! No me dejes! No me dejes! And I heard His response, “Nunca te dejaré mi hijita, nunca te dejaré! He is healing my daddy wound, and though my earthly father left me and the pain of that absence has never completely left, my Father in heaven promises never to leave me, and He does not break one promise. He loves me! Oh how He loves me!! His love never fails. Love will never abandon me. In the car as I was crying & praying & trying my best to drive, almost to my house, I was reminded of how many people at the revival meetings were healed first emotionally and then physically and some of the illnesses in their bodies had to do with their emotional health. I felt Him say, “You’re still sick in your body b/c your heart is sick. I’m healing your heart first.” This word brought comfort to my heart. He is setting my heart free in the knowledge of Christ, and when my heart and mind come fully into line with His truth I think my body will follow. I’ve felt so assured that He will heal me of this allergy. I have declared it over myself, I am healed by the power of the blood of Jesus! Wes even called out gluten intolerance at the revival meeting as everyone was getting prayer for healing, including myself. I had just asked the Lord to confirm to me that I was healed when Wes called it out. The healing has not manifested in my body yet b/c when I stepped out in faith and consumed gluten I got sick on the plane ride back and I felt like it still affected my body when I tried a couple more times to eat something small like a piece of bread. But He knows everything, His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. So I can trust in it and know that He knows the right time, and the healing will come!! The Lord has been doing a mighty work in my life. I also have felt a new freedom and relief from my identity struggle in wanting to be Latina. He is forming my identity as a child of God and setting me free from the opinions of man, from the fear of man, and worldly appearances and fantasies that don’t have to do with the kingdom of God and the pleasure of knowing its riches. The next day, Monday morning, is in part a testimony of this. I was woken up to noise outside, I heard voices speaking in Spanish & I saw ladder being raised up along the wall. I walked out onto my porch to see what the noise was & the ladder kept rising up & stopped right in front of my porch & then up comes a Hispanic man with his paint supplies. I asked him what they were doing here & that I’d been disturbed from my sleep. He said they could leave & come back later but the Holy Spirit was still leading me & I spoke with kindness & said surely not to go ahead & finish their work they had been sent to do. I came back inside & immediately felt that I had to witness to them & I remembered that I had the bag of bagels that Laura had given me from Bruegger’s Bagels that I had planned on taking to a homeless shelter. I asked if him & his coworkers wanted some bagels & he accepted the offer. I heated up 18 bagels in the microwave as fast as I could b/c they had become hard from sitting there for 3 days, & ran down to greet them. I went around to each group of them as they were painting on ladders sharing my testimony & testifying of the love of God in Christ Jesus. It was freezing outside, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me what they thought of me, that I was in sweats with no makeup & sick with a hoarse voice. The Lord had made His love to me so real & I had to let each of them know. Praise God! Who knows what He will do through this small act of kindness I showed. In many opportunities the Lord gives me I have been only as a farmer scattering seed & do not get to see the day that seed grows. But if we are faithful & share what He has given us, He can use us & though in small ways, it is an honor to be His instrument, though He is God & does not even need me to accomplish His work of winning hearts to Him!
So because I was still sick I took off work Saturday and Sunday and was able to continue just seeking the Lord constantly, I had places I had planned on going to and things to buy but I couldn’t get myself to leave the house b/c I was so happy to just be with the Lord and spend time with Him and enjoy Him! Sat.night Christie, Christine and I hung out at our place and stayed up late, till 3 in the morning. Brian had invited Christine and I to go a church in revival called Catch the Fire that was born from a revival that broke out in Toronto that’s been going on for years! I sensed the Lord had more for us there, and boy did He have much more than I was expecting!! I felt the Spirit moving me as we worshipped and I kept laughing for joy during the sermon. The prophetic word of the Lord to us from Isaiah 43:18-19, that the Lord is doing a new thing among us and that we shall forget the former things and dwell not on the past, lifted and strengthened my Spirit even more. The service was sooo encouraging, when it ended Christine and I of course could not stop praying and went to the back of the church and continued to pray and cry out to the Lord. Brian eventually came and interrupted us asking us if we wanted to go get lunch and I yelled, “I’m not even hungry, I’m hungry for God!!”. Then some people in the church came up to us b/c they could see the Spirit on us. And when they prayed for me, the Spirit was taking control more and more as I yielded to Him, and He knocked me back onto the ground!!! I just laid there so free and full of joy feeling His love all over me, praising God with shouts, and praying for more. I was so amazed, I don’t know when I would have gotten up off the floor of the church if Brian hadn’t come over and taken my hands to lift me up. I felt so happy and an endless flow of His love washing over me. And it didn’t stop. The Lord sent us a Hispanic family in the parking lot in front of Subway to tell us where a Mexican restaurant was so I would be able to eat something as well. And then we got to minister to our waiter and pray for him and the Lord definitely touched him. Then Christine fell down in the Spirit on the bathroom floor laughing as we were getting ready to leave! Haleluyah!! We went to KPIC for Celebracion Hispana and as the worship team was practicing I couldn’t stop praying in the hall as the Spirit kept moving me in intercession. When I began to worship before the actual service started I felt the presence of the Lord within me and all over me and around me, He was taking over again and who could stop Him? As I yielded to His love He continued to pour it out on me like wave after wave after wave. I felt the PLEASURE of God all over me, the DELIGHT of my Lord! And the LOVE of the Father! It felt as if He was literally tickling me making me giggle for joy. I fell to the floor knocked over by His love again and stayed there praising Him with my arm raised and laughing for joy until Marta came over and lifted me up and had me sit in the chair. But I was so overcome and so taken over by His love I couldn’t stop praising Him and I didn’t need music! As I kept my eyes closed worshipping Him He continued to pour His delight on me. When worship started it got even stronger again and as I worshipped and danced for joy I never wanted it to end. After worship I went to pray with Christine b/c she had to leave and the Spirit continued to touch us and fill us with joy. After the service I tried to meet some of the new people I didn’t know, but after talking to them briefly my heart was a little saddened b/c they just seemed unhappy and not interested. My heart desired so much to pray for them and bless them but b/c of their seemingly disinterest I excused myself. When I got in the car to go my heart began to ache with desire for the Lord and as I prayed I began to weep in His presence and I could hardly drive. Deep cried out to deep and oh I how longed for more of Him. Suddenly I felt scared of Him leaving me and I knew I couldn’t survive with out His love and I cried out, Abba! Padre! No me dejes! No me dejes! And I heard His response, “Nunca te dejaré mi hijita, nunca te dejaré! He is healing my daddy wound, and though my earthly father left me and the pain of that absence has never completely left, my Father in heaven promises never to leave me, and He does not break one promise. He loves me! Oh how He loves me!! His love never fails. Love will never abandon me. In the car as I was crying & praying & trying my best to drive, almost to my house, I was reminded of how many people at the revival meetings were healed first emotionally and then physically and some of the illnesses in their bodies had to do with their emotional health. I felt Him say, “You’re still sick in your body b/c your heart is sick. I’m healing your heart first.” This word brought comfort to my heart. He is setting my heart free in the knowledge of Christ, and when my heart and mind come fully into line with His truth I think my body will follow. I’ve felt so assured that He will heal me of this allergy. I have declared it over myself, I am healed by the power of the blood of Jesus! Wes even called out gluten intolerance at the revival meeting as everyone was getting prayer for healing, including myself. I had just asked the Lord to confirm to me that I was healed when Wes called it out. The healing has not manifested in my body yet b/c when I stepped out in faith and consumed gluten I got sick on the plane ride back and I felt like it still affected my body when I tried a couple more times to eat something small like a piece of bread. But He knows everything, His will is good, pleasing, and perfect. So I can trust in it and know that He knows the right time, and the healing will come!! The Lord has been doing a mighty work in my life. I also have felt a new freedom and relief from my identity struggle in wanting to be Latina. He is forming my identity as a child of God and setting me free from the opinions of man, from the fear of man, and worldly appearances and fantasies that don’t have to do with the kingdom of God and the pleasure of knowing its riches. The next day, Monday morning, is in part a testimony of this. I was woken up to noise outside, I heard voices speaking in Spanish & I saw ladder being raised up along the wall. I walked out onto my porch to see what the noise was & the ladder kept rising up & stopped right in front of my porch & then up comes a Hispanic man with his paint supplies. I asked him what they were doing here & that I’d been disturbed from my sleep. He said they could leave & come back later but the Holy Spirit was still leading me & I spoke with kindness & said surely not to go ahead & finish their work they had been sent to do. I came back inside & immediately felt that I had to witness to them & I remembered that I had the bag of bagels that Laura had given me from Bruegger’s Bagels that I had planned on taking to a homeless shelter. I asked if him & his coworkers wanted some bagels & he accepted the offer. I heated up 18 bagels in the microwave as fast as I could b/c they had become hard from sitting there for 3 days, & ran down to greet them. I went around to each group of them as they were painting on ladders sharing my testimony & testifying of the love of God in Christ Jesus. It was freezing outside, but I didn’t care. It didn’t matter to me what they thought of me, that I was in sweats with no makeup & sick with a hoarse voice. The Lord had made His love to me so real & I had to let each of them know. Praise God! Who knows what He will do through this small act of kindness I showed. In many opportunities the Lord gives me I have been only as a farmer scattering seed & do not get to see the day that seed grows. But if we are faithful & share what He has given us, He can use us & though in small ways, it is an honor to be His instrument, though He is God & does not even need me to accomplish His work of winning hearts to Him!
In His Presence, there is joy!
“I feel your nearness,
I feel your pleasure over me”
Oh this song verse expresses what I have felt over the past week in such a POWERFUL way I have never experienced before!!!!
I started feeling sick with chest congestion Tuesday night after work (Dec.29) so I decided not to go into work Wed. night b/c I was feeling worse with a fever. So I stayed at home and as I sat before Him in worship and prayer I found a place so sweet at His feet, I found myself in the presence of the Lord and hours have been going by as minutes b/c I have encountered the love of the Father in a way like never before. And the question I asked 2 years ago as I wandered through Spain and distant lands and my soul longed for the Lord but I did not find Him except in moments that soon passed by, has been answered at a glimpse. I didn’t understand how to spend hours upon hours with Jesus and I wondered what that looked like, if I would ever reach that place of knowing Him so intimately that everything in me would desire Him and Him alone and everything else would lose meaning and I would just find myself in such love and desire for Him that I wouldn’t seek elsewhere to fill the emptiness in my life because I would find such satisfaction in Him.
Now I have understood. I have tasted that sweetness, I have seen what it looks like to walk with Him daily, to be led by His Spirit. And I have had such revelation of His love it has come to take over! I’ve felt it in my WHOLE being! He has filled me with His Spirit to a measure I have not known before, in a way I have longed for and sought after for so long. Oh He has been answering my prayers. I’m in awe, I’m astounded, and I have no idea why He has done it for me. But it doesn’t even matter to ask those questions, b/c I just know He loves me, and I’m so sure of it like never before!!! I’d been listening to the testimonies of people from IHOP at the revival meetings and the One Thing Conference for the past month and I praised God with joy as I heard their stories of how the Lord had set them free from their past, from self-hatred, from things in their life that had held them captive for so long. And when I heard them testify of the power of the love of God and that revelation of His love that they had never had before, part of me praised God for what He had done in their life thinking I already understood His love, and another part of me still longed and asked for more, wanting to experience what I heard them describing and saw them feeling. And I had no idea that God was about to set me free in the revelation of His love in just as a powerful way that He had with these ones!!!! When I got back from IHOP, I was still experiencing the effects of what He had poured out on me there: the joy of the Lord, a greater freedom, an increased intensity in prayer and intercession, more desire for His Word and presence, and a manifestation of His Spirit in my body I’d never felt before. It lasted for about 3 days, and then subsided, and for a week I thought everything had gone back to normal and that what I had experienced was just another mountaintop experience. I wondered if anything had really changed permanently in my heart that would cause me to live differently. While I was at home and with my family for Christmas I didn’t have the chance to spend as much time in prayer and worship and it was a struggle not to get frustrated or be rude, and harder to find that place of joy, peace and freedom. But when I got back I realized my heart had not changed, it immediately starting burning again with desire for more of God, especially as I watched the One Thing Conference and the IHOP Prayer Room. The minute I turn it on and hear the prayers, the beautiful songs of worship to the King, things start stirring within me. So on Thursday, two days after getting sick, I met with my counselor which I haven’t felt has been that beneficial or made much difference in breaking free and overcoming the things that had been keeping me from walking in purity, holiness, and fullness in the Lord. But I believe b/c I had made a commitment to the Lord and trusted that through my faithfulness in seeking out help with this counselor as well as with others that He would honor it and meet me in my weak faith and efforts. And oh has He met me!! He has shown His faithfulness and mercies beyond measure! I know I still have a way to go, but I am growing and maturing, gaining wisdom and I believe the Lord is going to give me the vision I need for the future. This is just the beginning of the beginning of the beginning!!!!
I feel your pleasure over me”
Oh this song verse expresses what I have felt over the past week in such a POWERFUL way I have never experienced before!!!!
I started feeling sick with chest congestion Tuesday night after work (Dec.29) so I decided not to go into work Wed. night b/c I was feeling worse with a fever. So I stayed at home and as I sat before Him in worship and prayer I found a place so sweet at His feet, I found myself in the presence of the Lord and hours have been going by as minutes b/c I have encountered the love of the Father in a way like never before. And the question I asked 2 years ago as I wandered through Spain and distant lands and my soul longed for the Lord but I did not find Him except in moments that soon passed by, has been answered at a glimpse. I didn’t understand how to spend hours upon hours with Jesus and I wondered what that looked like, if I would ever reach that place of knowing Him so intimately that everything in me would desire Him and Him alone and everything else would lose meaning and I would just find myself in such love and desire for Him that I wouldn’t seek elsewhere to fill the emptiness in my life because I would find such satisfaction in Him.
Now I have understood. I have tasted that sweetness, I have seen what it looks like to walk with Him daily, to be led by His Spirit. And I have had such revelation of His love it has come to take over! I’ve felt it in my WHOLE being! He has filled me with His Spirit to a measure I have not known before, in a way I have longed for and sought after for so long. Oh He has been answering my prayers. I’m in awe, I’m astounded, and I have no idea why He has done it for me. But it doesn’t even matter to ask those questions, b/c I just know He loves me, and I’m so sure of it like never before!!! I’d been listening to the testimonies of people from IHOP at the revival meetings and the One Thing Conference for the past month and I praised God with joy as I heard their stories of how the Lord had set them free from their past, from self-hatred, from things in their life that had held them captive for so long. And when I heard them testify of the power of the love of God and that revelation of His love that they had never had before, part of me praised God for what He had done in their life thinking I already understood His love, and another part of me still longed and asked for more, wanting to experience what I heard them describing and saw them feeling. And I had no idea that God was about to set me free in the revelation of His love in just as a powerful way that He had with these ones!!!! When I got back from IHOP, I was still experiencing the effects of what He had poured out on me there: the joy of the Lord, a greater freedom, an increased intensity in prayer and intercession, more desire for His Word and presence, and a manifestation of His Spirit in my body I’d never felt before. It lasted for about 3 days, and then subsided, and for a week I thought everything had gone back to normal and that what I had experienced was just another mountaintop experience. I wondered if anything had really changed permanently in my heart that would cause me to live differently. While I was at home and with my family for Christmas I didn’t have the chance to spend as much time in prayer and worship and it was a struggle not to get frustrated or be rude, and harder to find that place of joy, peace and freedom. But when I got back I realized my heart had not changed, it immediately starting burning again with desire for more of God, especially as I watched the One Thing Conference and the IHOP Prayer Room. The minute I turn it on and hear the prayers, the beautiful songs of worship to the King, things start stirring within me. So on Thursday, two days after getting sick, I met with my counselor which I haven’t felt has been that beneficial or made much difference in breaking free and overcoming the things that had been keeping me from walking in purity, holiness, and fullness in the Lord. But I believe b/c I had made a commitment to the Lord and trusted that through my faithfulness in seeking out help with this counselor as well as with others that He would honor it and meet me in my weak faith and efforts. And oh has He met me!! He has shown His faithfulness and mercies beyond measure! I know I still have a way to go, but I am growing and maturing, gaining wisdom and I believe the Lord is going to give me the vision I need for the future. This is just the beginning of the beginning of the beginning!!!!
And you shall love the Lord...
Jan 2,2010
“The Greatest Calling-within the reach of anyone who wants it: it is not the great and amazing things we imagine ourselves doing, it is LOVING God and KNOWING Him intimately”
“The greatest & first commandment: to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. God’s will for our life doesn’t have to first do with what we are going to DO, but with WHO we are going to become.”
I’ve always wondered why Jesus spent most of His life doing normal things, why didn’t he start his ministry until he was thirty? And why did it end so quickly? It wasn’t long after that he went to the cross. I always thought, what a waste. How much more could God have done through him with that time…but could it be that he was learning to love God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength? He loved his Father perfectly while on earth, for the Scriptures tell us he was without sin, and for that very reason he was able to be our pure spotless lamb, the ransom for OUR sins. But just b/c he was God, does that take away from his humanity? It says he learned obedience through suffering. Could it be that all those years Jesus was suffering? Was the BIGGEST dream of His heart not to stretch out His hand and heal the sick, to bind up the brokenhearted, to deliver the captives, to testify of the Father’s love, to lay down his life for the sheep? Was he waiting for it earnestly, did is heart long oh so strongly to fulfill that dream? Was he suffering all that time, in the waiting? In our waiting, maybe we also, have the fellowship of his sufferings. It wasn’t about what he was going to DO, it was about WHO he was going to prove he was through demonstrating the working of that supernatural power. Right before the start of his ministry when he was led by the Spirit into the desert to fast for forty days and forty nights and Satan came to tempt him, what was the first thing he asked Jesus? “If you ARE the Son of God, turn these stones into bread.” He first attacked His identity. As his descendents, as children of God, the enemy is still on a rampage to steal this identity from us. Because he knows if we understand WHO we are, we defeat him and oh the victories that the kingdom of God gains!
God is worthy of all honor, praise, adoration, dominion, power. His very nature demands these first and because of this demand of his nature he must execute judgment and justice in the earth to satisfy it. His command for love is above all else. Now I understand why 1 Corinthians 13 says that without love, we have nothing. We can speak in the tongues of angels, we can prophesy, have spiritual knowledge; we can worship God without love. That is why the Bible says he is looking for the true worshippers, those that worship Him in Spirit and in truth. Because we can worship God out of a place that is not love, out of selfishness, out of a religious spirit, and many times we do. But he wants us to love him with the same love with which he loves us. The kind of love described in 1 Cor 13. We must have LOVE for God. Want to lay down our lives, lay down everything for Him!! Abandoning what we want for His glory. Oh Lord, teach me how to love you through obedience.
Are we being faithful and obedient to love the Lord in every place he has us? If we're in the waiting, are we groaning and complaining, discouraged and wishing we could reach the place we dream to be? Or are we loving the Lord with everything right now, giving Him our best? Oh Lord, help me! Forgive me for the days I live this way. Help me to love you with steadfastness and be faithful with what you have entrusted...
“The Greatest Calling-within the reach of anyone who wants it: it is not the great and amazing things we imagine ourselves doing, it is LOVING God and KNOWING Him intimately”
“The greatest & first commandment: to love God with all of our heart, mind, soul and strength. God’s will for our life doesn’t have to first do with what we are going to DO, but with WHO we are going to become.”
I’ve always wondered why Jesus spent most of His life doing normal things, why didn’t he start his ministry until he was thirty? And why did it end so quickly? It wasn’t long after that he went to the cross. I always thought, what a waste. How much more could God have done through him with that time…but could it be that he was learning to love God with all his heart, soul, mind and strength? He loved his Father perfectly while on earth, for the Scriptures tell us he was without sin, and for that very reason he was able to be our pure spotless lamb, the ransom for OUR sins. But just b/c he was God, does that take away from his humanity? It says he learned obedience through suffering. Could it be that all those years Jesus was suffering? Was the BIGGEST dream of His heart not to stretch out His hand and heal the sick, to bind up the brokenhearted, to deliver the captives, to testify of the Father’s love, to lay down his life for the sheep? Was he waiting for it earnestly, did is heart long oh so strongly to fulfill that dream? Was he suffering all that time, in the waiting? In our waiting, maybe we also, have the fellowship of his sufferings. It wasn’t about what he was going to DO, it was about WHO he was going to prove he was through demonstrating the working of that supernatural power. Right before the start of his ministry when he was led by the Spirit into the desert to fast for forty days and forty nights and Satan came to tempt him, what was the first thing he asked Jesus? “If you ARE the Son of God, turn these stones into bread.” He first attacked His identity. As his descendents, as children of God, the enemy is still on a rampage to steal this identity from us. Because he knows if we understand WHO we are, we defeat him and oh the victories that the kingdom of God gains!
God is worthy of all honor, praise, adoration, dominion, power. His very nature demands these first and because of this demand of his nature he must execute judgment and justice in the earth to satisfy it. His command for love is above all else. Now I understand why 1 Corinthians 13 says that without love, we have nothing. We can speak in the tongues of angels, we can prophesy, have spiritual knowledge; we can worship God without love. That is why the Bible says he is looking for the true worshippers, those that worship Him in Spirit and in truth. Because we can worship God out of a place that is not love, out of selfishness, out of a religious spirit, and many times we do. But he wants us to love him with the same love with which he loves us. The kind of love described in 1 Cor 13. We must have LOVE for God. Want to lay down our lives, lay down everything for Him!! Abandoning what we want for His glory. Oh Lord, teach me how to love you through obedience.
Are we being faithful and obedient to love the Lord in every place he has us? If we're in the waiting, are we groaning and complaining, discouraged and wishing we could reach the place we dream to be? Or are we loving the Lord with everything right now, giving Him our best? Oh Lord, help me! Forgive me for the days I live this way. Help me to love you with steadfastness and be faithful with what you have entrusted...
Made to know His goodness
“You give beauty for ashes
And garments of praise
You give infinite mercy
To those who fear your name!
And all men’s empty promises lie broken at your feet,
But you’ve never broken ONE”
Faithful!!! You are Faithful! Oh you cannot break one promise, your Word is true, it cannot return void. Faithful! My God is faithful! Hallelujah!
WOAH!!!
Mercies without measure, they endureth forever. Oh it’s an endless flow
an endless flow an endless flow an endless flow an endless flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS MADE FOR LOVE
I WAS MADE TO GAZE UPON BEAUTY
I WAS MADE FREE
I WAS MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD
I WAS MADE WITH PURPOSE AND DESTINY
I WAS MADE A GIVER OF LIFE, A NURTERER, TO BE FRUITFUL
I WAS MADE FOR ABUNDANCE, FULLNESS, WITH ETERNITY IN MY HEART
HALLELEYAH!
And garments of praise
You give infinite mercy
To those who fear your name!
And all men’s empty promises lie broken at your feet,
But you’ve never broken ONE”
Faithful!!! You are Faithful! Oh you cannot break one promise, your Word is true, it cannot return void. Faithful! My God is faithful! Hallelujah!
WOAH!!!
Mercies without measure, they endureth forever. Oh it’s an endless flow
an endless flow an endless flow an endless flow an endless flow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WAS MADE FOR LOVE
I WAS MADE TO GAZE UPON BEAUTY
I WAS MADE FREE
I WAS MADE IN THE IMAGE OF GOD
I WAS MADE WITH PURPOSE AND DESTINY
I WAS MADE A GIVER OF LIFE, A NURTERER, TO BE FRUITFUL
I WAS MADE FOR ABUNDANCE, FULLNESS, WITH ETERNITY IN MY HEART
HALLELEYAH!
A cry for my family's salvation
Jan 1,2010
The Lord continues to hit me in waves of His Spirit, with cries of intercession so deep, so strong, I can hardly bear it. I just spoke to my mom and sister over the phone and was rude to them again and spoke out in anger and frustration to them. My soul is raging for their salvation, that they would bow their hearts to the Lord and be set free by His love. In the name of Jesus!! The moment I hung up the phone immediately I felt like my heart broke in two and a painful cry of repentance brought me to my knees in weeping in the presence of the Lord as the Spirit cried out with groans and prayers from deep within me for the salvation of their souls. Though I have failed at being a good witness to them, Oh I declare that the love of the Lord CANNOT and WILL NOT fail them! Oh for what the Lord has purposed, who can thwart it?! Isaiah 14.27
He is going after them to conquer their hearts and NOTHING will stop Him because He is “I am the LORD”, “The Great I Am” and He is jealous for them and will go ALL the length of His love to captivate them and bring them into the life that is in His Son!
I cannot remember the last time I have wept and cried out with such depth for my family, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt a weight on my heart that strong for them. I know the Lord is moving, my family WILL come to the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ, they will be pillars in the house of God, citizens of the kingdom of light, children of the Almighty God! The Lord has given me dreams of them, and I will not forget His promises. What He has promised He will accomplish!!
The Lord continues to hit me in waves of His Spirit, with cries of intercession so deep, so strong, I can hardly bear it. I just spoke to my mom and sister over the phone and was rude to them again and spoke out in anger and frustration to them. My soul is raging for their salvation, that they would bow their hearts to the Lord and be set free by His love. In the name of Jesus!! The moment I hung up the phone immediately I felt like my heart broke in two and a painful cry of repentance brought me to my knees in weeping in the presence of the Lord as the Spirit cried out with groans and prayers from deep within me for the salvation of their souls. Though I have failed at being a good witness to them, Oh I declare that the love of the Lord CANNOT and WILL NOT fail them! Oh for what the Lord has purposed, who can thwart it?! Isaiah 14.27
He is going after them to conquer their hearts and NOTHING will stop Him because He is “I am the LORD”, “The Great I Am” and He is jealous for them and will go ALL the length of His love to captivate them and bring them into the life that is in His Son!
I cannot remember the last time I have wept and cried out with such depth for my family, it’s been a long time since I’ve felt a weight on my heart that strong for them. I know the Lord is moving, my family WILL come to the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ, they will be pillars in the house of God, citizens of the kingdom of light, children of the Almighty God! The Lord has given me dreams of them, and I will not forget His promises. What He has promised He will accomplish!!
My heart and my flesh may fail....
...but you are the strength of my heart and my portion forever"-Psalms 73:26
“Your lifeline stretched out before you,
I see your past, present, future
And you’ve said failure, failure, failure, I’ve failed again
But let me tell you what I see, what I know
I see a lover, struggling with sin,
A lover, a lover, struggling but sincere, real
I see a lover of God”
My heart broke as I heard this song sung in the IHOP prayer room the morning of Jan.1 2010. I’ve been sick for the past 3 days with a cough and throat pain but though my body does not feel good my soul feels satisfied in the love of God. My heart longs for him every day. I started weeping before Him when I heard this song because it is the lie that I struggle with every day and it breaks my heart because my greatest longing is to live for God wholeheartedly and to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength just as I was made to do, and what the greatest command our Lord gave us asks of us. But I am continually crushed by the weight of this accusation, that I fail over and over and over again, that I’m a failure and will never be able to please God and live as he wants me to, the lie that I’ll NEVER be enough. The disappointment of my failures has been so great, they’ve left me feeling helpless and desperate inside. But oh how it overwhelmed me when the Lord spoke that to my heart this morning and said “this is what you see, but let me tell you what I see.” He sees my heart, oh and He sees its longing, my desire to love Him. He knows the depths of me, and hears the cries of my heart for him.
“It’s not just about the goal
I love the process in your heart
Every time you get up again, it moves me
You say I’m not strong enough
But I’m strong enough for you, if you open up your heart again,
You’ve don’t have to climb the mountain in one day,
Step by step, choice by choice
No more shame
Let me see your face, let me hear your voice, my dove”
His delight is in me! He loves hearing my heart expressed to Him. It MOVES Him, the King is enthralled with my beauty! He marvels at His creation! He’s drawing me deeper into his heart, it’s just the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. He’s setting my heart free, more and more it’s starting to take flight on his love as he shines His light upon the dark places in my soul where agreement with the lies of the enemy have crushed my soul with the weight of accusation, with the condemnation, the shame, the disappointment, the striving in my heart to earn his love. But now I’m beginning to see, to understand that he just loves me because he does! AND OH HOW GREAT IS THAT LOVE!!
I have not failed, I am not a failure! Satan, shut your mouth in the name of JESUS! For my God He reigns on high, His name is the Lord Almighty and He has put you under my feet! I have the VICTORY in Jesus Christ, by the blood of the Lamb I overcome!!!!!
“Your lifeline stretched out before you,
I see your past, present, future
And you’ve said failure, failure, failure, I’ve failed again
But let me tell you what I see, what I know
I see a lover, struggling with sin,
A lover, a lover, struggling but sincere, real
I see a lover of God”
My heart broke as I heard this song sung in the IHOP prayer room the morning of Jan.1 2010. I’ve been sick for the past 3 days with a cough and throat pain but though my body does not feel good my soul feels satisfied in the love of God. My heart longs for him every day. I started weeping before Him when I heard this song because it is the lie that I struggle with every day and it breaks my heart because my greatest longing is to live for God wholeheartedly and to love him with all my heart, soul, mind and strength just as I was made to do, and what the greatest command our Lord gave us asks of us. But I am continually crushed by the weight of this accusation, that I fail over and over and over again, that I’m a failure and will never be able to please God and live as he wants me to, the lie that I’ll NEVER be enough. The disappointment of my failures has been so great, they’ve left me feeling helpless and desperate inside. But oh how it overwhelmed me when the Lord spoke that to my heart this morning and said “this is what you see, but let me tell you what I see.” He sees my heart, oh and He sees its longing, my desire to love Him. He knows the depths of me, and hears the cries of my heart for him.
“It’s not just about the goal
I love the process in your heart
Every time you get up again, it moves me
You say I’m not strong enough
But I’m strong enough for you, if you open up your heart again,
You’ve don’t have to climb the mountain in one day,
Step by step, choice by choice
No more shame
Let me see your face, let me hear your voice, my dove”
His delight is in me! He loves hearing my heart expressed to Him. It MOVES Him, the King is enthralled with my beauty! He marvels at His creation! He’s drawing me deeper into his heart, it’s just the beginning of the beginning of the beginning. He’s setting my heart free, more and more it’s starting to take flight on his love as he shines His light upon the dark places in my soul where agreement with the lies of the enemy have crushed my soul with the weight of accusation, with the condemnation, the shame, the disappointment, the striving in my heart to earn his love. But now I’m beginning to see, to understand that he just loves me because he does! AND OH HOW GREAT IS THAT LOVE!!
I have not failed, I am not a failure! Satan, shut your mouth in the name of JESUS! For my God He reigns on high, His name is the Lord Almighty and He has put you under my feet! I have the VICTORY in Jesus Christ, by the blood of the Lamb I overcome!!!!!
A broken and contrite heart you will not despise
Dec 2010
I’m amazed by God’s power and mercy to restore, to heal, to make new, to forgive, to strengthen and steady. He is so jealous for our love. My maker is my husband. He came to me, asked me for my hand, made me a spotless bride by washing me with his blood. He invited me into bridal partnership, to spend a life of eternity with him. Yet I have committed adultery against him, I have not been faithful. I have given what belongs to him over to other things, to lesser pleasures. I have defiled his temple in which his Spirit came to dwell. I have not given him all the love and adoration he deserves. I have chosen love for self instead of love for him. I have broken my promises, my vows, yet he has never broken one. My love toward him is so self-seeking, how needy and desperate I am! Without his love I am an empty tank desperately longing to be filled. And oh how he has poured out his love on me, in a measure I do not deserve. He has shed it abroad in my heart through his Holy Spirit. For he sent the Spirit of His Son into my heart, the Spirit of Jesus that cries, Abba, Father!
“He is a good, good God
A glad, glad Father,
A happy, happy heart,
And he delights in me!”
“Oh the King is enthralled with your beauty!” Song of Solomon-He is my lover
Over and over again he has showed his love for me, and oh, a broken and contrite heart he has not despised, he has not turned me away, he has never rejected me. Though I have sinned against him. I broke his heart, and then mine broke when I could no longer forsake my first love, and I despised myself and repented in dust and ashes. Oh but how his mercies come to allure me back into his love. Back to that true love that is pure, from above, that is patient and kind, a love unconditional.
He trades our dirty rags for garments of praise! Our ashes for beauty!
Though I was unclean, he washed me and made me white as snow.
I feel his heart beat for me with love as he calls out to me, My darling, oh My beloved! Come away with me, come, let us run together! (Songs of Solomon)
All my empty promises are broken at his feet
In my brokenness he restores me, my tears are my food,
Through them I feel his restoring love, he’s a glad worker operating on my heart,
Such longing and desire in my soul for his love breaks forth in weeping
I’m so overwhelmed, I’m desperate for even more desperation, that I might fall into a sweet surrender as my heart abandons all and becomes one with his.
Yet it would break under his crushing love if he poured it out, I can only stand a drop, so he lavishes it on me with such gentleness and tenderness. Oh that I would love him back more and more!
I’m amazed by God’s power and mercy to restore, to heal, to make new, to forgive, to strengthen and steady. He is so jealous for our love. My maker is my husband. He came to me, asked me for my hand, made me a spotless bride by washing me with his blood. He invited me into bridal partnership, to spend a life of eternity with him. Yet I have committed adultery against him, I have not been faithful. I have given what belongs to him over to other things, to lesser pleasures. I have defiled his temple in which his Spirit came to dwell. I have not given him all the love and adoration he deserves. I have chosen love for self instead of love for him. I have broken my promises, my vows, yet he has never broken one. My love toward him is so self-seeking, how needy and desperate I am! Without his love I am an empty tank desperately longing to be filled. And oh how he has poured out his love on me, in a measure I do not deserve. He has shed it abroad in my heart through his Holy Spirit. For he sent the Spirit of His Son into my heart, the Spirit of Jesus that cries, Abba, Father!
“He is a good, good God
A glad, glad Father,
A happy, happy heart,
And he delights in me!”
“Oh the King is enthralled with your beauty!” Song of Solomon-He is my lover
Over and over again he has showed his love for me, and oh, a broken and contrite heart he has not despised, he has not turned me away, he has never rejected me. Though I have sinned against him. I broke his heart, and then mine broke when I could no longer forsake my first love, and I despised myself and repented in dust and ashes. Oh but how his mercies come to allure me back into his love. Back to that true love that is pure, from above, that is patient and kind, a love unconditional.
He trades our dirty rags for garments of praise! Our ashes for beauty!
Though I was unclean, he washed me and made me white as snow.
I feel his heart beat for me with love as he calls out to me, My darling, oh My beloved! Come away with me, come, let us run together! (Songs of Solomon)
All my empty promises are broken at his feet
In my brokenness he restores me, my tears are my food,
Through them I feel his restoring love, he’s a glad worker operating on my heart,
Such longing and desire in my soul for his love breaks forth in weeping
I’m so overwhelmed, I’m desperate for even more desperation, that I might fall into a sweet surrender as my heart abandons all and becomes one with his.
Yet it would break under his crushing love if he poured it out, I can only stand a drop, so he lavishes it on me with such gentleness and tenderness. Oh that I would love him back more and more!
A battle cry, a prayer to the King
Prophetic Word in December 2010: Isaiah 9:2-7
The increase of his government and peace have no end
The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish it!
“We’re only going forward, we’re never going back!”-a word from a prophetic vision given to Shelly Huntley that she spoke at a revival meeting during my visit to IHOP the week of December 7. She had a vision of a rope moving along and as she looked back she saw all the revivals from the past, and she was holding the rope for fun as it moved along through her fingers on its own. The Lord spoke and said, “We’re only going forward, we’re never going back!”.
My prayer:
I never want to leave my King’s land again and wander into the darkness, I will live where He dwells. He invites me into his palace! I will stay in the land flowing with milk and honey, I’m never going back to Egypt! The yoke of slavery will not overtake me, for it is for freedom that Christ has set me free!!
Let there be peace in the land. My King’s army fights for me, He will protect me, He delivers me from all my enemies!
Show me how to build the walls high, I will not open the gate to a stranger! I will not unlock it, I will not allow invaders to come in and take over what belongs to my King. They will not come in with bribes or deception; I will not sell my inheritance for nothing, for a mere bowl of soup!
Let your servant be guided with wisdom, girded with a mighty revelation of whom she belongs to and preserved by her honor and allegiance to her King.
Teach me how to be a wise watchmen Lord, to be ready for your coming, make me a strong warrior who knows how to use the weapons entrusted to her by her King.
Give me more love for you my King, you who execute justice and righteousness in the earth, let your heavenly kingdom come reign fully in me.
Destroy what must me destroyed and rebuild according to your Ways
Do your will, have your way, Come, oh come Lord, establish your government
Let it increase, everything submit and yield to your desire,
Come oh zealous King and reign victoriously!
The increase of his government and peace have no end
The zeal of the Lord Almighty will accomplish it!
“We’re only going forward, we’re never going back!”-a word from a prophetic vision given to Shelly Huntley that she spoke at a revival meeting during my visit to IHOP the week of December 7. She had a vision of a rope moving along and as she looked back she saw all the revivals from the past, and she was holding the rope for fun as it moved along through her fingers on its own. The Lord spoke and said, “We’re only going forward, we’re never going back!”.
My prayer:
I never want to leave my King’s land again and wander into the darkness, I will live where He dwells. He invites me into his palace! I will stay in the land flowing with milk and honey, I’m never going back to Egypt! The yoke of slavery will not overtake me, for it is for freedom that Christ has set me free!!
Let there be peace in the land. My King’s army fights for me, He will protect me, He delivers me from all my enemies!
Show me how to build the walls high, I will not open the gate to a stranger! I will not unlock it, I will not allow invaders to come in and take over what belongs to my King. They will not come in with bribes or deception; I will not sell my inheritance for nothing, for a mere bowl of soup!
Let your servant be guided with wisdom, girded with a mighty revelation of whom she belongs to and preserved by her honor and allegiance to her King.
Teach me how to be a wise watchmen Lord, to be ready for your coming, make me a strong warrior who knows how to use the weapons entrusted to her by her King.
Give me more love for you my King, you who execute justice and righteousness in the earth, let your heavenly kingdom come reign fully in me.
Destroy what must me destroyed and rebuild according to your Ways
Do your will, have your way, Come, oh come Lord, establish your government
Let it increase, everything submit and yield to your desire,
Come oh zealous King and reign victoriously!
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