Identity, Soul Sickness and Bodily Affliction

The Lord spoke to me tonight through a conversation I had with a good friend. I realized that everything I've been struggling with, it all comes down to identity--or rather I should say, a lack of identity. She said something that is really key to the purpose of the trials and the difficulties we go through, and what it is we are really waiting on God for. But often we don't realize it, because we are focused on the external, or the flesh. "The breakthrough is not in the finances, or in the healing, the breakthrough is what happen's in you." I've thought that the breakthrough will have come when my body is healed or when all the money I need for missions has arrived. But the true breakthrough that I need is in the heart, it's in me. That's what our Father is after--like my friend said--for us to be perfected in love. Jesus asked if He would find faith in the earth when He returns. If my body is healed, but I continue walking in anxiety, fear, and unbelief, the true miracle has yet to happen--transformation in my heart. I've put the blame on the disease as the cause for all the fear and anxiety I've faced trying to avoid the foods that harm my body and find the right ones to fix it. But the real disease-fear, anxiety, all the things that are not of the Kingdom, what if these are the sickness in my soul that made my body sick? So many words and testimonies I can think of that seem to attest to the spiritual or soulish roots behind disease. One example, found in Scripture, is the thorn in Paul's flesh. We could interpret that this thorn was Paul's pride, & it was afflicting His body, yet the Lord refused to take it away. Why? The Lord's reply was, "My grace is sufficient for you. For my power is made perfect in weakness." Maybe because it was precisely that thing that the Lord used to weaken his pride, as later on we hear Paul declaring his boasting in infirmity & weakness, b/c it was through this weakness that meekness was formed, and through the very weakness that Paul experienced the power of God. Doesn't it often seem that those who have gone through some of the most difficult circumstances come through with the most powerful testimonies of experiencing God? I'm believing the same for my life. The disease I was medically diagnosed with, called Celiac, is an auto-immune disorder that causes an intolerance to gluten, resulting in much damage to the intestines & can cause a host of other problems too. I find it interesting that more and more people are being diagnosed with Celiac or other similar conditions. If you think about the role that our immune system plays--to protect us from harmful substances/organisms, & that people bodies are reacting to these certain proteins that are getting into their bloodstream (where they shouldn't be) b/c of the problems they're creating in the digestive system, & so the immune system begins to fight against it. What was created to protect the body from sickness, then causes the body to become more 'sick' when the protein is consumed! What's crazy is that DNA contain the instructions for building all the proteins that make up an organism. Genetically modified food-you think there could be a link with the confusion in our bodies? The perfect DNA of Christ in our spirit needs to unlock the mystery of who we really are. Think about fear, how this is one of key seeds the enemy wants to sow in the hearts of men. Scripture says in the last days the hearts of many will fail them because of fear. Research is now saying Celiacs need to watch out because they are more prone to heart disease. I wonder why! The disease wants to control you and trap you in fear that anything you consume might be contaminated with gluten and is going to harm you! It seems the enemy is trying to even sow fear in us by deceiving us into eating all these addictive foods that are all designed to make us weaker, and more susceptible to him taking us out!He uses it to try to isolate us-he goes after the stragglers, the weak and vulnerable ones who aren't receiving all the nutrients they need from the body of Christ. (I haven't even scratched the surface on this subject, there is a host of information about this topic I haven't tapped into because I'm not ready to. I know it's out there, & that the Lord will expose me to what He wants with time, but right now my pride wants me to remain in ignorance. Because with more knowledge comes greater responsibility, & conviction. I'd rather refuse to see the evil and not have to personally come face to face with it, because I know to see the evil for what it is, will mean repentance--a radical change. However, that is what will bring greater freedom, and the fullness we are meant to walk in--and that's why the enemy wants to keep his schemes hidden from us. But he has failed (he's the failure, not us!) he's being uncovered, and one day it will all be uncovered. God's secret agents have been exposing him, and I believe this band of kingdom revolutionaries will keep growing. We must unite together and fight for what is right-the Truth! We have loved our delicacies for too long, so long that they have infiltrated and satiated us to the very core so that we even deny their evil seduction and addictive deception! Daniel and his companions, believed to be a prototype of the end-time believers, though surrounded by and even forceably immersed in the culture around them, separated themselves in two main distinct ways: diet, and spiritual discipline--a life devoted to prayer. We are to be set apart, undefiled vessels that He can fill His glory with. How crafty Satan is that he could even find a way to produce passivity in us by messing with the chemicals in our brain through our toothpaste! And who would of ever thought it'd be with an industrial waste by product discovered in Germany WW2!(i.e. flouride). What was the enemy ultimately attacking with Nazi Germany? Identity! The very identity of the children of the God of Israel. And his end goal was to completely wipe them off the face of the earth. He comes only to steal, kill and destroy! But he does it through subtle changes that at first don't seem that threatening, ordered just right through his chosen instruments that bow to him in their greed for power and wealth. Passivity, fear, and unbelief cripple us and that is why these are his tactics. I just recently watched the movie "The Hiding Place", a true story based on the life of Corey ten Boom, a holocaust survivor, and her family. What stuck out to me the most as the greatest battle she fought was not so much the physical suffering she went through, but the strong temptation she faced in letting her heart begin to hate. The only weapon we can truly fight and win with, is Love. We have all been hurt, often wounded the deepest by the ones closest to us--the ones God intended to have provided for us the security & affirmation we needed for identity formation. But it is not too late. He's calling us into our identity as His bride. In the last year, the Lord has revealed to me some of the hate, the bitter judgments, and the unforgiveness in my heart towards my mom. I didn't understand why I was continuing to feel anger (which is the spirit of murder) and frustration towards her for years after being saved. But tonight He let me see that it's got to do with my identity--all of it. My defensiveness toward crude/negative or demeaning remarks or statements that were attacking these areas of weakness in my identity made me feel angry or hurt. I had allowed the offenses to embitter my heart towards her, causing me to detach from her to protect myself, which disabled my heart from loving her freely. So much more to write...more to come...

He disciplines out of LOVE

There was a situation at IHOP where the Lord again highlighted this wound of feeling rejected, having been hurt from an angry spirit. During a ministry time after a class taught by Corey Russel, he went around praying individually for each student. At one point, I started feeling the Spirit really strong, specifically His presence in my body and upon my heart, and I started praying out loud, making declarations of faith. I had been feeling discouraged, and in this moment felt my spirit finally rising up to take hold of these truths and my heart coming into agreement with them. In the middle of praying with my eyes closed, I felt a gentle hand upon me, signaling me to be quieter. I felt so embarrassed and immediately shut down inside and felt so discouraged. I couldn't pray anymore, feeling faced with this wound that made me feel so insecure. When reflecting on this incidence later, I was reminded of other situations where I felt the same when silenced or rebuked by someone, especially if it was a spiritual authority figure. But this time I recognized the root of it during a service shortly after. Because Corey had quieted me in a gentle, loving way, I felt the Lord speak strongly over me, that He disciplines me out of love, and not out of anger as I'd experienced with my mom, which had deeply wounded me. I wept and received some healing in my heart when the Lord revealed this to me. He is FOR me, not against me. He's not angry with me. I felt the desire I've felt for Jesus over the years as He brought me back to past memories, reminding me of my love and my desire for Him; the fact that He's felt my desire for Him EVERY TIME, even when it felt so weak, when it felt dry, and from a dull heart, that He STILL FELT it. In that moment I felt it, as if it all culminated together into ONE consuming longing, like an explosion inside where deep cries out to deep. I wished I could stay there and never leave that revelation of His love and feeling this longing with so much intensity, as if it increased any more I would break. How do I so quickly forget such powerful encounters when I feel Him SO NEAR? When it's so real, that there's not an ounce, a cell of doubt in my being, as it screams in agreement with Him! How do I go right back to feeling like a failure in my weakness and doubting that His love for me is still the same? Oh if we could fully believe that His love for us never changes!

A dream about direction

I had a dream where I encountered all these different situations where calamity was coming upon me. Prior to this dream, I had been meditating on Psalm 91 very often, memorizing the verses before going to sleep. The only example I can remember is a lion was attacking me and it had it's mouth around my private part and was about to bite me. I believe this could mean there was a specific attack from the enemy against my womanhood and purity. In the rest of the dream, I was trying to drive home but went the wrong direction and found myself in strange places that seemed dangerous. I was able to pass through it all and eventually make it home, but it felt like a long journey and when I got there I thought, "that was only supposed to take 15 min and it took forever! I think this dream reveals the fear of choosing the wrong path and missing the Lord's direction, and that I've made or will make wrong decisions that delay me getting to where I'm trying to go. The Lord does not want me living in fear of missing His will or plans for my life! I think in this dream He showed me that He will get me to my destination, even though it may seem like it took much longer than it should have! One of the truths that the Lord really highlighted and encountered me about while at IHOP is that His leadership over my life is perfect, that He is the Shepherd of my soul. He's teaching me to trust Him in this, His sovereignty, and to grow me in confidence that He knows the plans He has for me and that He gives me everything I need for life and godliness.

Dreams about my family

July 7,2011-I had a dream of my brother, and in it he looked in real bad shape. It was disturbing to see. He looked real skinny and depressed, and looked as if he was inhaling or taking in some substance, I don't know if it was drugs or what. I wasn't sure how to interpret this, but took it as a warning from the Lord to pray for him, so I did. As far as I know he's been doing fine and I haven't heard of any sign that indicates otherwise. He works in medical research (pathology-the study of disease), and I thought maybe it could have to do with that.

I also had another dream, that was about my sister. In it, I was praying with her about something and the prayer she was uttering demonstrated a great passion for Jesus. I was shocked by what she was saying and how she knew the Lord in that way.

The Lord has spoken strongly to my heart about my family, and my desire for their salvation increased so much during my time at IHOP that I was weeping over them more than ever before. The desire grew so much that it actually felt like it became bigger than my desire for the people in the nations. The longing and desire was more than anything else I wanted or could ask for.
One moment in particular, the revelation of God's love came to me so strongly and a deep cry arose from my heart and I said, "Lord, I KNOW NOW THAT YOU LOVE ME, I KNOW YOUR LOVE, BUT THEY DON'T. THEY DON'T KNOW!"

Dreams-wrestling with them, and waiting on God

Since becoming a Christian, I've had many dreams about several unsaved family members and friends from high school. I continue to ask the Lord if these dreams are prophetic and if He will bring them to pass. Around last April/May (2011), I had a dream in which I was driving home and I accidentally took the wrong route. It was not the path I'd planned, and it took me through all these other places. One of them I recall was a long country road, in another I was going through an underground cavelike structure where there were strange looking people dressed up in what looked like costumes and masks. I was fearful along the way, but I made it safely through each stage and made it home though it took much longer than expected. Through this dream, I feel like the Lord was speaking to me about His leadership in my life and Him directing my path. Since feeling called to the nations/mission field in 2005, I've often questioned why it seems that it's taking so long to get to where I'm wanting to go in my faith and my calling from God, and why I'm having to go through all these "stages" or "seasons" that sometimes seem purposeless and don't make sense. As I wait upon the Lord now, wishing I could be back at IHOP surrounded with other fiery believers going after the same things I desire, yet finding myself feeling alone, without direction, and stuck in a place I don't want to be, I have a choice: to trust God and press in for what He's ordained for this season; or to sit back discouraged and disillusioned, consumed with the problems and obstacles I face. I'm shocked by how easily my faith seems to wax & wane depending on my circumstances. I wonder, why is it that one day I can be shouting praises to God in full faith, and the next day be totally void of motivation and hope for the future? I'm often encouraged by remembering the journeys of our predecessors in the faith like Joseph & Abraham, who having received a dream/promise from God, then waited decades before seeing it be fulfilled! However, in the midst of the waiting, there is a serious battle going on between doubt/unbelief and faith. I face this battle everyday. "Will God bring the breakthrough before I face death's door?" This is the question that haunts my faith and continually taunts me to give up. Yet, having received such a revelatory, supernatural experience of God's existence and His saving grace through Jesus, I find myself "between a rock and a hard place"- I can either give up and go fishing (like Peter), sit in offense with God because He seems silent and to have disappointed me, or to press on in faith as Sarah did, "because she judged Him faithful who had promised." But the following verse in Hebrews 11:13 says, "These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth." I have to ask, "what promises is the Scripture referring to?". We all know that the promises in God's Word (Holy Bible) concerning His Son Jesus will come to pass, as the Scripture itself declares. But when it comes to individual, personal prophetic words (which we like to also call "promises") over our lives, I wrestle with knowing whether these desires are my own, or truly divinely given me by God. If it is the latter, there should be nothing that can keep them from coming to pass. Or is there? What about my disobedience? Or my inability to hear God correctly? Or even my lack of faith? Could those stand in God's way of bringing them to pass? I believe the answer is yes. Although God's gifts and callings are irrevocable, I don't believe this means we are obligated to use the gifts, and/or respond to or obey the calling. If we've been given free-will, we always have a choice, right? So then when we want to obey, but we don't know where to start or what to do, and we're distracted and discouraged by our weaknesses and insufficiencies, what should we do? How do we make intimacy with Jesus our "one thing", and pursue our dreams in God at the same time? What does "waiting on God" for specific desires & answers really supposed to look like? Because if the "waiting on God" in our life of faith never really ends until Jesus comes back, then there's something very significant and key to this "waiting" that God has left us in. And I'm still trying to understand exactly what that is. Is this "now and not yet" of His kingdom a part of the mystery of His will that can be revealed to us by His Spirit? Maybe I shouldn't be asking questions like, "why is my body not healed yet?" or "why is my family not coming to the Lord yet?" or "why don't I have the finances I need for missions yet?". These are probably the wrong questions, and maybe there's not an answer for them. If the end is really near, and eternity is before us, than what is our faith to look like in order to withstand the storm? Even if all my dreams and desires are swept away in the wind, will the foundation of the revelation of Jesus Christ be there to hold me up? I can't seem to quite put my finger on what I seem to be missing, why I feel so unfulfilled, what is keeping me from staying in constant communion with the Lord and living with a vibrant heart? Is it because I can't let go of these dreams? Have I made my satisfaction and happiness in life dependent on them? The only answer I can seem to come up with is that this dilemma must stem from a wrong view and belief of God. I must be believing that I'm left to figure it all out and make it happen on my own. I look at all these other people great and small who are having success in ministry and in their walk with God, then I look at my life and all I ever see is failure. I feel abandoned, alone, and incapable. I am faced with my utter weakness and brokenness. Yet though I'm despaired by this, is God worried? Does He look at my life and think the same? Certainly not; there's a much bigger picture I don't see. Every day I'm sustained by Him. For 7 years I have been asking and believing for specific things; some answers to prayers have come, and many have not. And here I am today, still believing. This goes to show His faithfulness and unrelenting love that is unwilling to give up on me and believe in me. Otherwise, would I not have already let go of these dreams and prayers and lost faith? But the Bible says Jesus is the author and perfecter of our faith. So today I choose to trust Him once again.

The Fear of the Lord & the Power to Love

When you have time and want to listen to a prophetic message, I encourage you to listen to Shelley Hundley's Turn Word. I believe this is a profound word from the Lord, a word of warning and rebuke, but also a word revealing the power of intercession. I still have only tapped the surface of prayer, but if intercession is the ministry of Jesus, and we as children of God have the Spirit of Christ and have been seated with Him in heavenly places, then why do so many of us still have such a void, dull prayer life? The fear of the Lord and the power to love Him with all of our hearts, soul, mind and strength are "like two foreigners in the land". The more time I spend in the Word and in prayer, the closer I feel I get to the heart of God and the greater burden I feel for His people and His lost sheep. But if I lack fellowship with Him, and sometimes even in my seeking, my heart becomes dull and numb, it's usually because I lack a revelation of the truth about who God is and who I am in Christ. In Shelley's vision, she saw a huge ship full of people heading straight into the nastiest storm imaginable, which she perceived by the Spirit to be the judgment of God upon the nation of America and IHOP. In the vision she jumped into the ocean and began to push the ship, yelling "Turn! Turn!" in an intense spirit of intercession, and the ship actually began to turn. The Bible tell us "prayer is powerful and effective", but do we believe it? Or do we see God as small and think we are insignificant? A ex-evangelist in China who had become paralyzed and therefore bed-ridden & unable to go about & preach was asked if He was despaired by his condition & inability to do what he was called to do. His surprising response was, "You don't understand; when I pray from this bed, all of China shakes." One thing I heard the Lord speak very clearly to me when I was here at the One Thing Conference the end of last year when He confirmed to me that He was calling me to come back to IHOP for a longer period, was the power of my prayers for my family. He said to me something along these lines, "If you were to never go to the nations, if you were to never become a missionary, but if I called you to pray for your family & never give up, and if their souls were saved, wouldn't they be just as precious as the hundreds you want to go for in your "yes" to me to take My gospel to the ends of the earth?" This hit my heart with such strength. In that moment I had a revelation of the wisdom of giving myself wholeheartedly to these disciplines and in an extreme way for a season. I've been reminded over & over that it's not it vain. It's vital I encounter the reality of these truths that have been revealed to me & learn to live in them to be prepared for the day of shaking. I saw the wisdom in what the Lord was setting before me and calling me to. I have seen the wisdom and the fruit of it during my time here, in my life and the lives of many others, and I know the sacrifices I've made and my perseverance will not come without reward. My reward is and will always be, Jesus. The Beautiful God, perfect union with Him, experiencing His love for all eternity. We have become one with Jesus in Spirit! (1 Cor 9). Meditate on that for just a minute, you might just get lost there for hours!!